Think of this blog as an overview of topics to expect in future blogs. In other words, this outline or a map will focus on topics that you can expect in upcoming blogs and when you come in for counseling at Transforming Minds Christian Counseling Center. The plan is to do a series of blogs. We will start with this one as an overview, then return in upcoming blogs to dive in deeper. If you have been to Transforming Minds, then you have already heard from me a little of what I plan to cover in this blog. In fact, I start every counseling session with this diagram (Click here to see the diagram) and I call this my “roadmap” for counseling. This roadmap is mainly for individual counseling, but as you will see it also has to do with relationships and connection – the focus of the therapy I provide at Transforming Minds.
Before we get into this roadmap, I wanted to highlight a quote from Genesis church (thegenesisstory.com), “If we hide who we are from others, we can never become genuine.” The focus of therapy is to help people to become connected to another person, in a meaningful way, and in the process of this connection become genuine, authentic, and growing individuals. I must stress that this is a process. For some of you reading this it may take some time to go from a stuck and troubling situation to a place where you feel free, you are growing, and you realize the benefit of connection to others.
This process of growth I call a journey. In fact, in my office I have images depicting counseling as a journey. Like any hike, we need to have a plan and we need to know what to expect along the path we are about to take. Before we look at this roadmap and see the journey we are to undertake (in upcoming blogs), the tendency is to deny that these topics have anything to do with you and it is all about the hang-ups and problems you see in your spouse or someone else you are trying to connect with. From your perspective you might tell yourself: they have the problem, they need to change, they are the reason this relationship is not working. The problem is that you’re not going to get very far on life’s journey if you are always jabbing with your elbow (blaming) the person next to you and not looking at your own problems that are making you stumble and impeding your progress on life’s highway. Let’s look at this roadmap and start this journey.
We start with Attachment (middle left on diagram). The reality is that you are on this journey of life and it all started with connection to your parents. Before birth you were connected to your mother. It is called an umbilical cord. Before birth, you were also connected to God. The Bible highlights this fact in Ps 139:13 where David wrote, “You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb.” In Jeremiah 1:3, God is speaking to His prophet and highlights this fact, “I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb. Before you were born . . .”. It is obvious that you would not be alive without a connection, in birth, to your mom and, in a similar way - you can’t truly be alive without a connection to your heavenly Father. From the moment you are conceived, you receive sustenance, nutrients, and yes even life giving blood from our mother. Spiritually, you can have new life through the blood that Jesus shed on the cross. For most of us, from the arms of our mom, we experienced comfort, warmth, and safety. Let’s not leave out the importance of our earthly father, because he also provided safety, values, and a sense of belonging. This family unit, this attachment, is the first connection we belong to and this is where growth starts. If we don’t have early attachment, we did not have a mother or father, or this attachment is blocked or disturbed in some way (in psychology term – dysfunctional attachment), then we are hampered in ways that do not promote growth. For example, instead of comfort, we feel uncomfortable around others perhaps all of our life; instead of accepting nutrition for growth, we allow bad things to come in an infect us, slowly eating away at the core of our soul; instead of enjoying warmth, we tell ourselves that we enjoy cold, isolation, and that we can get along fine on our own, not realizing that our minds and hearts are becoming numb by the bitter cold that we experience all around us in these dark days; and instead of safety, we venture out foolishly where angels fear to tread.
On a side note, this focus on attachment always brings with it feelings of parental guilt and shame. Let me emphasize that this focus on the need for healthy attachment is not meant to put parents in a place of condemnation. The truth is that we live in a sin filled world and no matter how perfect you are in parenting you will always fall short of perfection: “All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God” (Rom. 3:23). Yes, in the next blog as we focus in greater detail on this subject of attachment, you will see areas where you could improve in how you parent your children, but this focus on attachment is about what you received in your early years of development and how this attachment, or lack thereof, impacts how you currently connect with others.
Now few of us have had a blessed upbringing with wonderful parents. If you have been fortunate to have had this blissful, healthy, attachment with your parents, then praise the Lord, but for the rest of us, we were brought up in a world filled with sin and we experienced the sins of our fathers and mothers. These sins were sins of commission and sins of omission. In other words, we experienced things done directly to us like abuse and we also experienced indirect things such as being neglected. For example, I know I was neglected by my mother and because my mother and dad divorced, my father was absent for much of my upbringing. Neglect, I view as sin done to me in a passive way or a sin of omission – a void of attachment that I did not get growing up. I was also given unhealthy attachment in a direct way in the form of physical abuse (a sin of commission) – a direct sinful act that counteracted and tainted any progress in the somewhat healthy attachment I received.
God knows the importance of being your heavenly Father, of providing protection, comfort and fuel for growth. Jesus said in Rev 3:20, “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me.” In another passage, in John 6:51, Jesus said, “I am the living bread that came down from heaven. Anyone who eats this bread will live forever; and this bread, which I will offer so the world may live, is my flesh.” I tell you the truth, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you cannot have eternal life within you. But anyone who eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life.” You see, Jesus wants attachment with us and to reject or avoid attachment results in death, but to seek out healthy attachment with God results in life, abundant life.
Fortunately, in my teen years, I found a healthy attachment in a relationship with Jesus, falling in love with Him; His salvation, protection, nurturance, and care. After falling in love with my creator, the body of Christ, my local church, became a great source of healthy bonding that repaired much of the unhealthy attachment of neglect and abuse I received from my parents. As I mentioned before, growth is a process and at times a painful journey, but I got help from God and the local church. This help opened my eyes to see the connection Jesus had with me, the connection I had with others, and how I had to grow by forgiving my parents.
Let’s look on this roadmap and see where else we have journeyed in life. After birth, and receiving attachment from our parents, we move on – literally we move. At around 6 months old, we learn to crawl and about 1 year old we learn to walk. This is very important because it gives us the ability to explore. We also learn 2 very important words, “No” and “Mine”. These words help us to be different from our parents. While attachment provides a sense of belonging, having boundaries (middle right on roadmap) gives us a sense of identity – of who we are apart from our parents. In other words, through attachment we discover who our parents are: their values, beliefs, goals, and ways of relating. We catch a little of who we are as individuals from them. For example, I can see that the ways my parents perceive things and relate to others is similar to how I connect and view the world. Attachment gave me some form of identity, but it is incomplete. Boundaries finish the job of creating a more complete identity. With Boundaries, through exploding and the use of “no” and “mine,” you discover what you like, what gives you the feeling of power, and your uniqueness. As we grow within these boundaries we learn important dynamics of who we are as individuals. In other words, apart from my parents, what do I value, what do I enjoy, who am I, what do I want to be, and what is my calling in life? When we are not allowed to say “no” or to have boundaries, or we are given overwhelming and suffocating boundaries, then we can get into some troubling relating styles that make connection to others problematic. Once again, this is only an overview, but in an upcoming blog, we will be looking at boundaries and how they can limit and enhance connection to others.
Before we move on, I found this interesting passage from a book entitled, “The Samson Syndrome” by Mark Atteberry. It reads:
BOUNDARIES. FROM DAY ONE WE HAVE TO CONTEND with them. Moments after your birth you were wrapped in a blanket and put into a bed that looked something like a fish tank on wheels. Then when you got home, your parents put you in a bed that had bars like a jail cell. And when it was time to play, they dropped you into something called a “playpen.” At first these enclosures were of no concern. But as your motor skills developed and your mobility increased, you began to feel quite restricted. And then one day it hit you: You were being tricked. They called it a playpen to make it sound enticing. They filled it with your favorite toys and they always talked mushy baby talk when they stuck you in it. But suddenly you knew. You saw the truth as clearly as if it were written on the wall in crayon: You were being held prisoner. They could call the devilish contraption anything they wanted, but a cage by any other name is still a cage. And that’s when you rebelled. Big time. At the top of your lungs. With some kicking and tears thrown in for good measure. And you didn’t stop until somebody came and liberated you. But your victory was short-lived, for there were more boundaries in your future.
Let’s get back to our map and see what else we can look forward to in our future blog topics. By the time we get to our teenage years we tend to go off into 2 directions (bottom half of the roadmap). Either we have distorted boundaries (arrow down and to the right on roadmap) or we have dysfunctional attachments (arrow down and to the left on roadmap) and these push us in a direction where we end up isolated, disconnected, and alone (bottom right on roadmap), or we go the other extreme where we lack a complete identity and we do, say, and respond in ways to please someone (bottom left on roadmap).
For the person in the place of isolation or being disconnected (bottom right on roadmap), they don’t know when to say “yes” especially to healthy relationships. Like the child that learned the word “no”, these teens say “no” to just about everything, resulting in disconnection with very few relationships and perhaps no healthy friends at all. These people often don’t know it, but they are handicapped, paralyzed. They believe that their way is safe, comfortable, and free from problems, but the reality is they are disconnected from life. Jesus said in John 15:5, “I am the vine and you are the branches” again a focus on attachment, but then Jesus adds, “apart from Me you can do nothing.” He continues to say that if you try to live disconnected from Him you will “dry up” and “wither”. Those in this disconnected state think that they are free from problems. They see the problems others have and are happy they don’t have such problems. Telling themselves that they have a carefree life, but they ignore, what is obvious to anyone else, that they are not thriving, they are without passion, without connection and without a real zest for life. I used to be this way. I had a friend that would hang out with me in my teen years. He once introduced me to one of his girlfriends as a “laid back and care free kind of guy” and then added, “If he was any more laid back, he would be dead.” He was very close to the truth, because I had a common response to everything, “I don’t care”. In fact, I was proud of this and labeled it as “care free”, but I was often depressed, addicted, hurtful towards others, and bored. In fact, I have put in this corner next to disconnected (bottom right section on roadmap) a list of problems that will likely be experienced on this downward journey.
Once again, this is an overview and there will be an upcoming blog focusing on being disconnected. On this subject, we will cover ways of disconnecting, such as the behaviors, beliefs, and thoughts that most of us don’t want to face.
Now most of you may be thinking, “Wow, I can give that topic a miss; Sounds disturbing!” I’ve been there. Part of my struggle, as a result of years of being disconnected, is a tendency to avoid anything that takes me out of my “comfort zone” or out of my comfy “escape from problems at any cost, carefree” attitude. The sid- effect of this avoidant tendency is that it infects other areas of life; where I start to notice an avoidance of living and thriving with the result of being numb to emotions, needs, and drives; a total shut down from others and even from caring about myself. The Bible describes it this way, Proverbs 18:1, “A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire; he rages against all wise judgment.” This downward path, it is not healthy, but you can do something about it by reading the upcoming blog focusing on the dangers of being disconnected, the stages of isolation, and how to move out of this death filled state to a place of life filled with healthy connection.
Back to our roadmap. By the teen age years, we may not go the disconnected way, but if we don’t, then we are likely to go the other way. This is the way of being codependent where we view attachments to others as the most important dynamic of life. As a result, we have trouble saying “no”. Instead, we say “yes” to everything, even when it hurts us. We don’t know when to say “no” in order to have our own opinion or identity. We go along with the crowd and we become martyrs. Not martyrs for the glory of Christ – we would love it if we could. We become martyrs in order to keep a relationship from leaving. We fear abandonment at any cost and the cost is a void of any authentic relationship and often we will put up with various forms of abuse. This abuse creates resentment and we find ourselves responding with indirect anger; not direct anger because we might lose the person we are angry at. The result is that we avoid being authentic, because if we show any of our true self our authentic self, then we believe we will lose out on having the “security” of someone in our lives. But is being a codependent doormat in order to keep a relationship, being authentic to yourself, to the other person you are trying to be in a relationship with? Is it fair to your relationship with God? You see, your God views you as his child, a treasure, the bride of Christ. He values you as a person, but you throw away you in order to hold on to an unhealthy, other person and make that other person an idol; the reason and purpose for existing. Yes, this is a very unhealthy place to be in and some of those unhealthy experiences are listed in the lower left corner associated with those living a codependent life. I’ve been here as well; how often did I not speak out against the physical abuse I was receiving. I put my head in the sand and “kept the peace” in order to maintain a connection with my dysfunctional, sick “family” of origin; afraid of even imagining a better life than that of abuse. Yes, this upcoming blog will be hard to face and some of you may be thinking, within your codependent tendency of I will just say yes to unhealthy cause I can’t say no; I will just carry on with my mantra of “better the devil you know than the devil you don’t,” so it is best not to change and at least I have some form of connection. The problem with that thought is that you do have the devils form of connection. Satan will always provide you with a counterfeit to the real thing. The real connection is what God has for you and you need to trust that what God has is way better than the counterfeit. Choose the blessing, learning how to have a real connection, by reading the upcoming blog focusing on codependency.
Back to our roadmap. The result of disconnection or codependency is the same – a mask to wear; a hiding from connection resulting in an unhealthy, underdeveloped existence (middle-bottom of roadmap). At first the mask fits and provides some advantages. It helps us cope with the lack of healthy attachments or lack of boundaries. As any actor with a mask on, we are never ourselves. We are not connected and therefore not authentic. The longer the mask stays on the more we lose our true self and become a false self. We don’t even know who we are any more. We never show all of ourselves because we don’t really know the person we were created to be. God sees the true self (upper middle of roadmap), and loves us individually despite our junk and the mask we hide behind. His love and sometimes the love we receive from others, shows us a small part of ourselves. At times, at least briefly, we might allow ourselves to show some of these parts, but also hide other parts. We especially hide those parts that are too vulnerable and sensitives to pain. Who we show and who we keep secret, becomes split off parts of our self. This hurts us even more, because the love we accept gives us a glimpse into our potential in seeing ourselves behind the mask, but love also reveals our weaknesses, fears, and distorted beliefs. These distorted beliefs, also known by mental health professionals as defenses, keep us stuck in disconnection, or codependency, or a combination of both.
In upcoming blogs, I will present the reasons why we have defenses, the types of defenses, and ways of changing these dysfunctional beliefs in order to open the doors to healthy connection. To put it another way, I will be discussing in future blogs how certain defenses keep us stuck in this downward decline into being disconnected and then I will reveal in another blog how defenses keep us stuck in the area of codependency. These upcoming blogs will highlight Romans 12:2, to “be transformed by the renewing of your mind”.
Back to the roadmap. As we continue on this path of growth, we are faced with some common dichotomies or contradictions which result in a polarizing way of relating. Let me explain this by highlighting some facts; As we grow up we learn though the educational system, though our parents with their use of the playpen, or just by interacting with society that there are rules to live by; boundaries in place. Do things one way and it is good, do another way or go against the grain and you get the F or the speeding ticket or you miss out on some fun. As a result, we develop a way of behaving, believing, and relating to others; It’s good or bad, all or nothing, right or wrong. As I have pointed out, we develop this polarizing perspective as we interact with others and we internalize it in how we view ourselves. Now there is nothing wrong with boundaries, laws, and developing a right and wrong perspective. The problem arises when it goes from right and wrong to write OR wrong – to a polarized fixated state of extremes. For some, it is easy to polarize into these extremes. This becomes very messy when it comes to the grey areas of life and especially when it comes to connection with others. When do we show compassion and say “yes” to those in need verses keeping the boundaries and saying “no” because giving too much can impact them in a negative way? When do I say “yes” when do I say “no”? When do I retreat, when do I push in? How do I show my true self while maintaining some protection from bad people? How do I accept the good things of a relationship while being on guard or even cautious with those people who keep a mask on and are not altogether safe? I hope you are starting to see the point; it is not always clear, because of these polarizing tendencies, to see other options in how to relate to others and how to care for ourselves. There is also an internal conflict that can arise where we look inside ourselves with this polarized lens. The apostle Paul put it this way. In Romans 7 starting at verse 18:
“For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. 21 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. 24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?”
In the rest of this chapter and also in chapter 8, Paul answers his own question – a connection with Jesus Christ. Jesus is the rescuer. I love this passage because it gives us a glimpse into the authentic Paul, his name before his conversion was Saul, and Saul loved to polarize. His polarized view made him a much feared man. In his polarized view, Christians where evil and Saul had the mission to go after these believers, have them jailed, killed and at a minimum treated harshly. Saul had some companions, those that shared his polarized view, but internal he was very conflicted inside. As Saul, he could not see another option past his polarized view. Jesus, himself, had to knock him for a loop, rescue him from his polarization, and then give him a new identity - Paul.
In an upcoming blog, we will take a closer look at polarization, the need to resolve this conflict (upper middle on roadmap), and come to a place of being led by the spirit of God and His wisdom. We will discover how to view the internal self through the lens of Christ and how we need balance and wisdom when it comes to how we interact and connect with others.
You would think by this roadmap that we are done with this journey, but there is a very important issue to be discussed. I have listed it here as being Independent (upper right on roadmap). Now this might take some by surprise and you might be asking yourself, “What does independence have to do with connection?” We would like to keep connection and the need for independence in polarized corners, but that is not the case. Once you check yourself on this tendency to polarize you discover that viewpoints are not always all or nothing. Let me put it this way by asking a question: How are you going to connect with someone if you are not an individual, if you are not you, if you are not to some extent independent? The reality is that you have to know who you are in order to connect your true self with someone. The problem with some is that they never get to this stage of adulthood where they experience healthy connection (upper left on roadmap). They may look like an adult, but they view the world and respond to others in a childlike or immature way and even hurting others out of ignorance. They don’t know what to do and how to be a person. It might be pure naiveté or it might be deliberately pushing people away because deep down they know they are not really an adult. They feel more like a child in an adult body. This brings up the issue that some people are not safe or they need to be in a relationship, but this connection is different. It has different boundaries in order to keep the connection healthy. It also brings up the issue that you may be in a relationship with someone that is not independent to the point of being able to be in a healthy relationship. Perhaps you are one of these people who experiences difficulty in feeling right. In other words, you always feel invisible to others and when you are seen, you feel uncomfortable. Part of you loves the attention, like any child would, so you pull people closer only to feel uncomfortable again and push people away. This lack of adulthood and independence keeps you in this constant state of a push/pull form of connection often resulting in isolation and disconnection. In an upcoming blog, I will go into greater detail on this need for healthy connection combined with healthy independence. I will also be emphasizing what to look for in order to find safe people and ways you can become a safe person and connect your authentic self, your adult self, to others.
Based on our roadmap, let me give you a list of upcoming blog topics.
The reason I love using this roadmap, with those coming into my office, is that it always stimulates conversation, insights, and questions. If you have questions after reading this blog, then come in and see me. The first booking is free. Click the “Book Now” button to get started.
Before we get into this roadmap, I wanted to highlight a quote from Genesis church (thegenesisstory.com), “If we hide who we are from others, we can never become genuine.” The focus of therapy is to help people to become connected to another person, in a meaningful way, and in the process of this connection become genuine, authentic, and growing individuals. I must stress that this is a process. For some of you reading this it may take some time to go from a stuck and troubling situation to a place where you feel free, you are growing, and you realize the benefit of connection to others.
This process of growth I call a journey. In fact, in my office I have images depicting counseling as a journey. Like any hike, we need to have a plan and we need to know what to expect along the path we are about to take. Before we look at this roadmap and see the journey we are to undertake (in upcoming blogs), the tendency is to deny that these topics have anything to do with you and it is all about the hang-ups and problems you see in your spouse or someone else you are trying to connect with. From your perspective you might tell yourself: they have the problem, they need to change, they are the reason this relationship is not working. The problem is that you’re not going to get very far on life’s journey if you are always jabbing with your elbow (blaming) the person next to you and not looking at your own problems that are making you stumble and impeding your progress on life’s highway. Let’s look at this roadmap and start this journey.
We start with Attachment (middle left on diagram). The reality is that you are on this journey of life and it all started with connection to your parents. Before birth you were connected to your mother. It is called an umbilical cord. Before birth, you were also connected to God. The Bible highlights this fact in Ps 139:13 where David wrote, “You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb.” In Jeremiah 1:3, God is speaking to His prophet and highlights this fact, “I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb. Before you were born . . .”. It is obvious that you would not be alive without a connection, in birth, to your mom and, in a similar way - you can’t truly be alive without a connection to your heavenly Father. From the moment you are conceived, you receive sustenance, nutrients, and yes even life giving blood from our mother. Spiritually, you can have new life through the blood that Jesus shed on the cross. For most of us, from the arms of our mom, we experienced comfort, warmth, and safety. Let’s not leave out the importance of our earthly father, because he also provided safety, values, and a sense of belonging. This family unit, this attachment, is the first connection we belong to and this is where growth starts. If we don’t have early attachment, we did not have a mother or father, or this attachment is blocked or disturbed in some way (in psychology term – dysfunctional attachment), then we are hampered in ways that do not promote growth. For example, instead of comfort, we feel uncomfortable around others perhaps all of our life; instead of accepting nutrition for growth, we allow bad things to come in an infect us, slowly eating away at the core of our soul; instead of enjoying warmth, we tell ourselves that we enjoy cold, isolation, and that we can get along fine on our own, not realizing that our minds and hearts are becoming numb by the bitter cold that we experience all around us in these dark days; and instead of safety, we venture out foolishly where angels fear to tread.
On a side note, this focus on attachment always brings with it feelings of parental guilt and shame. Let me emphasize that this focus on the need for healthy attachment is not meant to put parents in a place of condemnation. The truth is that we live in a sin filled world and no matter how perfect you are in parenting you will always fall short of perfection: “All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God” (Rom. 3:23). Yes, in the next blog as we focus in greater detail on this subject of attachment, you will see areas where you could improve in how you parent your children, but this focus on attachment is about what you received in your early years of development and how this attachment, or lack thereof, impacts how you currently connect with others.
Now few of us have had a blessed upbringing with wonderful parents. If you have been fortunate to have had this blissful, healthy, attachment with your parents, then praise the Lord, but for the rest of us, we were brought up in a world filled with sin and we experienced the sins of our fathers and mothers. These sins were sins of commission and sins of omission. In other words, we experienced things done directly to us like abuse and we also experienced indirect things such as being neglected. For example, I know I was neglected by my mother and because my mother and dad divorced, my father was absent for much of my upbringing. Neglect, I view as sin done to me in a passive way or a sin of omission – a void of attachment that I did not get growing up. I was also given unhealthy attachment in a direct way in the form of physical abuse (a sin of commission) – a direct sinful act that counteracted and tainted any progress in the somewhat healthy attachment I received.
God knows the importance of being your heavenly Father, of providing protection, comfort and fuel for growth. Jesus said in Rev 3:20, “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me.” In another passage, in John 6:51, Jesus said, “I am the living bread that came down from heaven. Anyone who eats this bread will live forever; and this bread, which I will offer so the world may live, is my flesh.” I tell you the truth, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you cannot have eternal life within you. But anyone who eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life.” You see, Jesus wants attachment with us and to reject or avoid attachment results in death, but to seek out healthy attachment with God results in life, abundant life.
Fortunately, in my teen years, I found a healthy attachment in a relationship with Jesus, falling in love with Him; His salvation, protection, nurturance, and care. After falling in love with my creator, the body of Christ, my local church, became a great source of healthy bonding that repaired much of the unhealthy attachment of neglect and abuse I received from my parents. As I mentioned before, growth is a process and at times a painful journey, but I got help from God and the local church. This help opened my eyes to see the connection Jesus had with me, the connection I had with others, and how I had to grow by forgiving my parents.
Let’s look on this roadmap and see where else we have journeyed in life. After birth, and receiving attachment from our parents, we move on – literally we move. At around 6 months old, we learn to crawl and about 1 year old we learn to walk. This is very important because it gives us the ability to explore. We also learn 2 very important words, “No” and “Mine”. These words help us to be different from our parents. While attachment provides a sense of belonging, having boundaries (middle right on roadmap) gives us a sense of identity – of who we are apart from our parents. In other words, through attachment we discover who our parents are: their values, beliefs, goals, and ways of relating. We catch a little of who we are as individuals from them. For example, I can see that the ways my parents perceive things and relate to others is similar to how I connect and view the world. Attachment gave me some form of identity, but it is incomplete. Boundaries finish the job of creating a more complete identity. With Boundaries, through exploding and the use of “no” and “mine,” you discover what you like, what gives you the feeling of power, and your uniqueness. As we grow within these boundaries we learn important dynamics of who we are as individuals. In other words, apart from my parents, what do I value, what do I enjoy, who am I, what do I want to be, and what is my calling in life? When we are not allowed to say “no” or to have boundaries, or we are given overwhelming and suffocating boundaries, then we can get into some troubling relating styles that make connection to others problematic. Once again, this is only an overview, but in an upcoming blog, we will be looking at boundaries and how they can limit and enhance connection to others.
Before we move on, I found this interesting passage from a book entitled, “The Samson Syndrome” by Mark Atteberry. It reads:
BOUNDARIES. FROM DAY ONE WE HAVE TO CONTEND with them. Moments after your birth you were wrapped in a blanket and put into a bed that looked something like a fish tank on wheels. Then when you got home, your parents put you in a bed that had bars like a jail cell. And when it was time to play, they dropped you into something called a “playpen.” At first these enclosures were of no concern. But as your motor skills developed and your mobility increased, you began to feel quite restricted. And then one day it hit you: You were being tricked. They called it a playpen to make it sound enticing. They filled it with your favorite toys and they always talked mushy baby talk when they stuck you in it. But suddenly you knew. You saw the truth as clearly as if it were written on the wall in crayon: You were being held prisoner. They could call the devilish contraption anything they wanted, but a cage by any other name is still a cage. And that’s when you rebelled. Big time. At the top of your lungs. With some kicking and tears thrown in for good measure. And you didn’t stop until somebody came and liberated you. But your victory was short-lived, for there were more boundaries in your future.
Let’s get back to our map and see what else we can look forward to in our future blog topics. By the time we get to our teenage years we tend to go off into 2 directions (bottom half of the roadmap). Either we have distorted boundaries (arrow down and to the right on roadmap) or we have dysfunctional attachments (arrow down and to the left on roadmap) and these push us in a direction where we end up isolated, disconnected, and alone (bottom right on roadmap), or we go the other extreme where we lack a complete identity and we do, say, and respond in ways to please someone (bottom left on roadmap).
For the person in the place of isolation or being disconnected (bottom right on roadmap), they don’t know when to say “yes” especially to healthy relationships. Like the child that learned the word “no”, these teens say “no” to just about everything, resulting in disconnection with very few relationships and perhaps no healthy friends at all. These people often don’t know it, but they are handicapped, paralyzed. They believe that their way is safe, comfortable, and free from problems, but the reality is they are disconnected from life. Jesus said in John 15:5, “I am the vine and you are the branches” again a focus on attachment, but then Jesus adds, “apart from Me you can do nothing.” He continues to say that if you try to live disconnected from Him you will “dry up” and “wither”. Those in this disconnected state think that they are free from problems. They see the problems others have and are happy they don’t have such problems. Telling themselves that they have a carefree life, but they ignore, what is obvious to anyone else, that they are not thriving, they are without passion, without connection and without a real zest for life. I used to be this way. I had a friend that would hang out with me in my teen years. He once introduced me to one of his girlfriends as a “laid back and care free kind of guy” and then added, “If he was any more laid back, he would be dead.” He was very close to the truth, because I had a common response to everything, “I don’t care”. In fact, I was proud of this and labeled it as “care free”, but I was often depressed, addicted, hurtful towards others, and bored. In fact, I have put in this corner next to disconnected (bottom right section on roadmap) a list of problems that will likely be experienced on this downward journey.
Once again, this is an overview and there will be an upcoming blog focusing on being disconnected. On this subject, we will cover ways of disconnecting, such as the behaviors, beliefs, and thoughts that most of us don’t want to face.
Now most of you may be thinking, “Wow, I can give that topic a miss; Sounds disturbing!” I’ve been there. Part of my struggle, as a result of years of being disconnected, is a tendency to avoid anything that takes me out of my “comfort zone” or out of my comfy “escape from problems at any cost, carefree” attitude. The sid- effect of this avoidant tendency is that it infects other areas of life; where I start to notice an avoidance of living and thriving with the result of being numb to emotions, needs, and drives; a total shut down from others and even from caring about myself. The Bible describes it this way, Proverbs 18:1, “A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire; he rages against all wise judgment.” This downward path, it is not healthy, but you can do something about it by reading the upcoming blog focusing on the dangers of being disconnected, the stages of isolation, and how to move out of this death filled state to a place of life filled with healthy connection.
Back to our roadmap. By the teen age years, we may not go the disconnected way, but if we don’t, then we are likely to go the other way. This is the way of being codependent where we view attachments to others as the most important dynamic of life. As a result, we have trouble saying “no”. Instead, we say “yes” to everything, even when it hurts us. We don’t know when to say “no” in order to have our own opinion or identity. We go along with the crowd and we become martyrs. Not martyrs for the glory of Christ – we would love it if we could. We become martyrs in order to keep a relationship from leaving. We fear abandonment at any cost and the cost is a void of any authentic relationship and often we will put up with various forms of abuse. This abuse creates resentment and we find ourselves responding with indirect anger; not direct anger because we might lose the person we are angry at. The result is that we avoid being authentic, because if we show any of our true self our authentic self, then we believe we will lose out on having the “security” of someone in our lives. But is being a codependent doormat in order to keep a relationship, being authentic to yourself, to the other person you are trying to be in a relationship with? Is it fair to your relationship with God? You see, your God views you as his child, a treasure, the bride of Christ. He values you as a person, but you throw away you in order to hold on to an unhealthy, other person and make that other person an idol; the reason and purpose for existing. Yes, this is a very unhealthy place to be in and some of those unhealthy experiences are listed in the lower left corner associated with those living a codependent life. I’ve been here as well; how often did I not speak out against the physical abuse I was receiving. I put my head in the sand and “kept the peace” in order to maintain a connection with my dysfunctional, sick “family” of origin; afraid of even imagining a better life than that of abuse. Yes, this upcoming blog will be hard to face and some of you may be thinking, within your codependent tendency of I will just say yes to unhealthy cause I can’t say no; I will just carry on with my mantra of “better the devil you know than the devil you don’t,” so it is best not to change and at least I have some form of connection. The problem with that thought is that you do have the devils form of connection. Satan will always provide you with a counterfeit to the real thing. The real connection is what God has for you and you need to trust that what God has is way better than the counterfeit. Choose the blessing, learning how to have a real connection, by reading the upcoming blog focusing on codependency.
Back to our roadmap. The result of disconnection or codependency is the same – a mask to wear; a hiding from connection resulting in an unhealthy, underdeveloped existence (middle-bottom of roadmap). At first the mask fits and provides some advantages. It helps us cope with the lack of healthy attachments or lack of boundaries. As any actor with a mask on, we are never ourselves. We are not connected and therefore not authentic. The longer the mask stays on the more we lose our true self and become a false self. We don’t even know who we are any more. We never show all of ourselves because we don’t really know the person we were created to be. God sees the true self (upper middle of roadmap), and loves us individually despite our junk and the mask we hide behind. His love and sometimes the love we receive from others, shows us a small part of ourselves. At times, at least briefly, we might allow ourselves to show some of these parts, but also hide other parts. We especially hide those parts that are too vulnerable and sensitives to pain. Who we show and who we keep secret, becomes split off parts of our self. This hurts us even more, because the love we accept gives us a glimpse into our potential in seeing ourselves behind the mask, but love also reveals our weaknesses, fears, and distorted beliefs. These distorted beliefs, also known by mental health professionals as defenses, keep us stuck in disconnection, or codependency, or a combination of both.
In upcoming blogs, I will present the reasons why we have defenses, the types of defenses, and ways of changing these dysfunctional beliefs in order to open the doors to healthy connection. To put it another way, I will be discussing in future blogs how certain defenses keep us stuck in this downward decline into being disconnected and then I will reveal in another blog how defenses keep us stuck in the area of codependency. These upcoming blogs will highlight Romans 12:2, to “be transformed by the renewing of your mind”.
Back to the roadmap. As we continue on this path of growth, we are faced with some common dichotomies or contradictions which result in a polarizing way of relating. Let me explain this by highlighting some facts; As we grow up we learn though the educational system, though our parents with their use of the playpen, or just by interacting with society that there are rules to live by; boundaries in place. Do things one way and it is good, do another way or go against the grain and you get the F or the speeding ticket or you miss out on some fun. As a result, we develop a way of behaving, believing, and relating to others; It’s good or bad, all or nothing, right or wrong. As I have pointed out, we develop this polarizing perspective as we interact with others and we internalize it in how we view ourselves. Now there is nothing wrong with boundaries, laws, and developing a right and wrong perspective. The problem arises when it goes from right and wrong to write OR wrong – to a polarized fixated state of extremes. For some, it is easy to polarize into these extremes. This becomes very messy when it comes to the grey areas of life and especially when it comes to connection with others. When do we show compassion and say “yes” to those in need verses keeping the boundaries and saying “no” because giving too much can impact them in a negative way? When do I say “yes” when do I say “no”? When do I retreat, when do I push in? How do I show my true self while maintaining some protection from bad people? How do I accept the good things of a relationship while being on guard or even cautious with those people who keep a mask on and are not altogether safe? I hope you are starting to see the point; it is not always clear, because of these polarizing tendencies, to see other options in how to relate to others and how to care for ourselves. There is also an internal conflict that can arise where we look inside ourselves with this polarized lens. The apostle Paul put it this way. In Romans 7 starting at verse 18:
“For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. 21 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. 24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?”
In the rest of this chapter and also in chapter 8, Paul answers his own question – a connection with Jesus Christ. Jesus is the rescuer. I love this passage because it gives us a glimpse into the authentic Paul, his name before his conversion was Saul, and Saul loved to polarize. His polarized view made him a much feared man. In his polarized view, Christians where evil and Saul had the mission to go after these believers, have them jailed, killed and at a minimum treated harshly. Saul had some companions, those that shared his polarized view, but internal he was very conflicted inside. As Saul, he could not see another option past his polarized view. Jesus, himself, had to knock him for a loop, rescue him from his polarization, and then give him a new identity - Paul.
In an upcoming blog, we will take a closer look at polarization, the need to resolve this conflict (upper middle on roadmap), and come to a place of being led by the spirit of God and His wisdom. We will discover how to view the internal self through the lens of Christ and how we need balance and wisdom when it comes to how we interact and connect with others.
You would think by this roadmap that we are done with this journey, but there is a very important issue to be discussed. I have listed it here as being Independent (upper right on roadmap). Now this might take some by surprise and you might be asking yourself, “What does independence have to do with connection?” We would like to keep connection and the need for independence in polarized corners, but that is not the case. Once you check yourself on this tendency to polarize you discover that viewpoints are not always all or nothing. Let me put it this way by asking a question: How are you going to connect with someone if you are not an individual, if you are not you, if you are not to some extent independent? The reality is that you have to know who you are in order to connect your true self with someone. The problem with some is that they never get to this stage of adulthood where they experience healthy connection (upper left on roadmap). They may look like an adult, but they view the world and respond to others in a childlike or immature way and even hurting others out of ignorance. They don’t know what to do and how to be a person. It might be pure naiveté or it might be deliberately pushing people away because deep down they know they are not really an adult. They feel more like a child in an adult body. This brings up the issue that some people are not safe or they need to be in a relationship, but this connection is different. It has different boundaries in order to keep the connection healthy. It also brings up the issue that you may be in a relationship with someone that is not independent to the point of being able to be in a healthy relationship. Perhaps you are one of these people who experiences difficulty in feeling right. In other words, you always feel invisible to others and when you are seen, you feel uncomfortable. Part of you loves the attention, like any child would, so you pull people closer only to feel uncomfortable again and push people away. This lack of adulthood and independence keeps you in this constant state of a push/pull form of connection often resulting in isolation and disconnection. In an upcoming blog, I will go into greater detail on this need for healthy connection combined with healthy independence. I will also be emphasizing what to look for in order to find safe people and ways you can become a safe person and connect your authentic self, your adult self, to others.
Based on our roadmap, let me give you a list of upcoming blog topics.
- Attachment
- Boundaries
- Disconnected
- Stages of Isolation
- Codependent
- Codependent Defenses
- Disconnected Defenses
- Polarization
- Independent/Connected
- Safe People
- Fruit of Connection
The reason I love using this roadmap, with those coming into my office, is that it always stimulates conversation, insights, and questions. If you have questions after reading this blog, then come in and see me. The first booking is free. Click the “Book Now” button to get started.
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