Before you start this topic about boundaries, I would encourage you to read the prior blog post from June 2016 (below or link to right) entitled, Roadmap.
In this blog post about boundaries, I plan to keep this simple with a limited amount of psychological terms and theory. As a Christian and a Psychologist, I will also be using the Bible to highlight this topic. For those of you feeling a little squeamish about the Bible or you view the Bible as a book that is not relevant for today, you may be pleasantly surprised that I am not going to use the Bible to make you feel stupid or awkward. Instead, the Bible content used here in this blog will emphasize important issues related to this topic of boundaries. To start, I have to give a very brief focus on how boundaries are developed from our early upbringing.
At around 6 months old, we learn to crawl and about 1 year old we learn to walk. This is very important because it gives us the ability to explore. We also learn 2 very important words, “NO” and “Mine”. These words help us to be different from our parents. While attachment provides a sense of belonging, having boundaries – our “no” and “mine” - gives us a sense of identity – who we are apart from our parents. In other words, through attachment we discover who our parents are: their values, beliefs, goals, and ways of relating. We catch a little of who we are as individuals from them. For example, I can see that the ways my parents perceive things and relate to others is similar to how I connect and view the world. Attachment to my parents gave me some form of identity and by discovering my boundaries I am able to develop a more complete identity. With Boundaries, through exploring and the use of “no” and “mine,” I discover what I like, what gives me the feeling of power, and my uniqueness. As I grow within these boundaries I learn important dynamics of who I am as an individual. In other words, apart from my parents, what do I value, what do I enjoy, who am I, what do I want to be, and what is my calling in life? When we are not allowed to say “no” or to have boundaries, or we are given overwhelming and suffocating boundaries, then we can get into some troubling relating styles that make connection to others problematic. It is important to discover how boundaries can limit and enhance healthy relationships. In other words, boundaries define what is mine and what I am responsible for and, just as important, what is not mine.
As a Psychologist, I often hear from people having problems concerning the use of boundaries. Some people use boundaries excessively. In other words, they have too many boundaries – they say “no” to everything and they limit beneficial endeavors for living. This results in isolation or disconnection from healthy relationships. I also see another problem with the use of boundaries and that is having poor boundaries or not having boundaries at all. These people say “yes” to just about everything and rarely say “no” or set limits. The reality is that there are a variety of problems we can get ourselves into related to boundaries and we will cover some of these problem areas in this blog and in upcoming blog topics.
If you were brought up in a home where it was not ok to express your “mine” and “no,” then you may have been told in many ways that you had to live up to the demands and needs of others. In fact, this is very common in a single parent home where the single mother or father feels overwhelmed by their responsibilities and they expect the child to “grow up” and take over some or perhaps all of the “household chores” or responsibilities. As a result, a very young child could be told to be “mothers little helper” or “daddy’s little boss”. A young child may feel that they don’t have any choice, so they take on this role. In other words, they feel they have to be compliant and say “yes” to most situations, even when those responsibilities are hard, painful, or even harmful. Taken into adulthood, these “little helpers” may find they have few boundaries and have difficulty filtering out the needs of others. In this lack of saying “no” they limit achieving their own goals and needs. Put another way, people with poor boundaries find themselves continually taking on problems that aren’t theirs and neglecting their own issues. After taking on someone else’s problems, they have no time to handle their needs, lack the resources needed in achieving their goals, find that their dreams go unfulfilled, and may even abandon a God given calling they have on their life.
Concerning this topic on boundaries, I often get this question, “By setting boundaries, are we just justifying a reason to be selfish?” It is absolutely true that we are to be a loving people and concerned for the welfare of others. In fact, the number-one hallmark of Christians is that we love one another. Jesus said, “By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” (John 13:35). Yes, in order to love others we will, in many instances, need to say “yes” and help another person in need. I would also agree that some will misuse boundaries as a way of avoiding being charitable and to maintain their selfish desires. In fact, as Christians we should be using God given talents and resources to help the church grow. To say “no” in giving to the church my time, skills, and money might be a very selfish thing to do, especially if I have been called by God to be involved in the growth of the church and I say “no,” then I am really just being selfish, stubborn, or stiff necked as the Bible describes.
As I have already stated, “some will misuse boundaries”. In fact, Moses tried to do this. Most of us know the story found in Exodus chapter 3, where Moses is standing before a burning bush and God calls Moses by saying, “Go. I am sending you to Pharaoh to bring my people, the Israelites, out of Egypt.” (vs 10). Moses responds by saying, and I’m paraphrasing, “I’m nobody, so how can I stand before Pharaoh - the most powerful man in the world?” In essence, Moses is trying to misuse a boundary by telling God, “No, I can’t, I’m not good enough.” God responds by helping Moses get his focus off of himself and onto the creator of the universe, so God replies, “I will be with you.” Moses then counters with yet another misuse of boundaries. In fact, over and over Moses continues to misuse a boundary by giving a reason or a “no” of why he can’t obey God. Each time Moses attempts to misuse a boundary, God counters with a solution for his insecurities. In fact, Moses did not attempt to misuse boundaries because he was selfish. I think Moses attempted to misuse boundaries because he was stumbling over his own two feet. In other words, Moses kept his focus on his own insecurities and low self-worth, rather than focusing on what God could do through him. After all, Moses was hiding in the desert because he had killed a man back home in Egypt. Now God is calling him to perform a very important task. From the perspective of Moses, he sees himself as a low-life murderer, wanted by the Egyptian police, and God wants him to go back to Egypt and give a speech before Pharaoh!? Moses feels he can’t possibly be the one for this important role. God must be making some kind of mistake. Right? From God's perspective it is another story. Perhaps God saw Moses as a sinking ship in need of help. After all, here is Moses - isolated, scared, and living a meaningless existence, so God decides to value Moses by calling him for this important task and even encourages Moses to run for office as the President of the Israelite's – “you will lead my people the Israelite's”. God does this despite Moses setting unhealthy boundaries on himself leading to his isolation in the desert and leading to a complete devaluing of his own self-worth. How often do we limit ourselves by trying to misuse a boundary – saying “no” when we should be saying “yes” to a good thing or to healthy change. In a future blog, I will be going into greater detail about this problem of having too many boundaries leading to disconnection, isolation, and lack of healthy change.
Back to our original question, “Does setting boundaries encourage selfishness?” It can, but the opposite can also be problematic. For example, if I say “yes” to every challenge or need the church has, then I will be a very busy person as I say “yes” to the children’s ministry, the high school ministry, being on the church board, going to hospitals to pray for the sick, to jails to visit those in trouble, setting up chairs before every service, giving money for the building fund, and those are just a few things off the top of my head. You can start to see the problem, if I did all those things by saying only “yes” and never setting a boundary, then I would not have time to do my calling of counseling to those in need. The result, I have to be “selfish” (if you want to call it that), by saying “no” to many things in order to say “yes” to what I know God has gifted me and called me to do.
If I say “yes,” out of a distorted belief that I am guilty of “selfishness” or if I say “no”, then I will end up doing too much or “spreading myself too thin” leading to burn out, doing things halfway or partially, and never really helping in the right way. In fact, to think that you can do everything by saying “yes” and rarely saying “no”, then what you are really saying with your actions is that you are all powerful like superman or superwoman or God. By saying “yes” to everyone, you have just made yourself into an idol – “I am God, I can do anything and everything and no one can point the finger and tell me that I am selfish.” Many times I think people say “yes” to unhealthy things only because they feel guilty if they say “no” or set a boundary in place.
A good friend of mine decided it was time to start dating and found himself stuck on one girl. This girl he liked, but he admitted to me that she was a “little crazy” in her beliefs, had some strange ways of thinking, and she was a little quirky or outrageous in how she did things. He felt she was not the right one for him, but he also felt guilty whenever he thought of breaking it off. He also had some self-doubt that he would not be able to find anyone else. He asked for my advice and I told him that as long as he did not say “no” to her, and he continued to be with someone he knew was not right for him, then how was he ever going to discover the girl he wanted to marry? I also told him that as long as he is with this girl, he is also being inconsiderate of her needs. In other words, he was leading her on by giving her the impression that she could be the one for him. What I am trying to emphasize is that sometimes we need to say “no” to others and even “no” to our own insecurities in order to say “yes” to what we know will be best in achieving a fulfilling life.
The follow-up question is, “How does one determine when to say ‘yes’ and when to say ‘no’?” In other words, “When is saying ‘no’ (like Moses tried to do), or saying ‘yes’ to everything, going to be a misuse of boundaries?” There is also another question, “When should I say ‘yes’ to others and when should I say ‘no’ or know when to set boundaries on others?” A relevant guide that can help answer some of these questions is found in the Bible. I have provided a handout with a diagram based a Bible passage from Galatians Chapter 6: 1-5.
Despite what some believe, the Bible is relevant for today. We will find this to be true when it comes to setting boundaries. I will explain the top half of this handout in a moment. Before I do, let’s focus on the passage in the box on the bottom part of the handout. Galatians 6: 1-5 (NIV) reads:
Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. 2 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. 3 If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. 4 Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, 5 for each one should carry their own load (burden – in other translations).
In the handout, I have put in bold the word “burdens” in verse 2 and “load” or “burden” in verse 5. If you love to point out all the contradictions in the Bible, then you will be the first to notice that verse 2 instructs the “brothers and sisters” to “carry each other’s burdens”, but in verse 5 it contradicts that by saying they should “carry their own burden”. The contradiction is only apparent in our English translation, but in the original Greek the English word for burdens, in verse 2, is the Greek word “Baros”. This Greek word can be defined as “an excessive weight to bring down.” Think of this weight as a ship that has so much cargo on it that it can’t support the load or burden, so it starts to sink. In verse 5 we find another word for burden, but this Greek word is Phortion where we derive our common English word of portion. It is still a weight, or a load, but a portion and therefore not an overwhelming load. Think of it as a weight or cargo that the ship can handle, so the boat, even though it might struggle, stays afloat.
In the handout, I have put a diagram above the passage from Galatians. Specifically, I have put these Greek words along a line going up and down. Think of this as a continuum where the boat or situation at one end is baros or sinking (the top end) and at the bottom the boat is Phortion or afloat. The line going across is less of a continuum, but still there to help us navigate between individual burdens or the burdens of others – the burden you might have - the “you” on the left – and the needs or burdens you might see of “others” on the right.
This gives us 4 areas to consider, so let’s start with the upper left. Here you might find yourself in a situation where you are overloaded - you are sinking. Most people when they come into my office for counseling are already here. In fact, that is why they seek counseling - to get help with a situation where they feel overwhelmed. They could be struggling with an addiction to meth, alcohol or gambling. They could be involved in an affair and don’t know how to make their marriage work. What is sad is the person who does not seek help, but they are overwhelmed or sinking with a problem. In fact, that is why one of the 12 steps in recovery is that a person stops living in denial and admit that they have a problem. To say “no” and avoid seeking help, when your life is sinking, would be a misuse of a boundary.
Let’s focus on the upper right of the diagram on the handout. What if a family member or friend is sinking with a problem? Their problem or load that they are sinking with might be an addiction or an abusive relationship, it could be a death in the family, or some problem where you can tell they are sinking. If this is the case, you should offer to help if you can. Whenever I come across this situation, I am reminded of wise advice from a lifeguard. You see, lifeguards are trained to help someone in a sinking situation, but they know that if they go into the water without resources or they try to help someone without being trained in how to rescue, then it is very likely that they could drown themselves. Our practical passage of scripture, at the end of the first verse in the box at the bottom of the handout, emphasizes this same point, “but watch yourselves, or you may be tempted”. In other words, help others, but be careful or “wise” in how you help. For example, if you can’t help someone out of their addiction, then find someone or an institution specializing in helping people who are sinking from an addiction. The same holds true for me as a therapist. I don’t have all the answers and if I don’t know how to help, then I will refer the person to someone, another professional, or to an organization. In fact, to attempt to help, when I don’t know how to, could land me in trouble and harm the person in need.
The bottom left area, of the diagram, in the handout, is where you do have a burden, but you are not sinking. A misuse of boundaries in this situation is all too common. You may feel that life is a burden and want help, but to get out of a struggle could limit your growth potential. The Bible states in James 1:2-4: “Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. 3 For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. 4 So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.” Now I am not saying that if you feel overwhelmed you should not ask for help, but I am talking to those that always play the victim role and want someone to “save” them from their discomfort. The problem is that in always being “saved,” then this person never grows up. Perhaps you have seen this in movies or British television where there is a castle or mansion and the lord of the manor has a spoiled brat for a child. This child, at the age of 30 something, still relies on his father's “allowance” all the while continues to party and makes a mess of his life. In my office, it is rarely the spoiled brat that comes in for help with the desire to take responsibility and make healthy changes. Why should he, the money has not run out . . . yet. The problem arises when this person misuses boundaries in order to maintain his selfish lifestyle. He often finds someone with poor boundaries; someone who will be the codependent one to help him maintain his irresponsible lifestyle.
This leads us to the other side of the diagram – bottom right. Do you know someone like the spoiled rich kid that does not want to grow up? A family member or friend that always has a problem, but they are not that bad off. This is where helping or saying “yes” in “giving” to every “need” can actually cause harm. Some people need to hear “no” so that they can carry their own load and grow from that experience. Sometimes the most loving word you can say to someone is “no”. Psychologist Henry Cloud in one of his books on boundaries gives the example of a dad that came in for counseling. The father started the session by apologizing for the absence of his son. “My son is the one that has problems and I tried to get him in here to see you, but he had to go skiing up North”. “What is his problem?” Dr. Cloud asked. The father replied, “Well he always drops out of college due to poor grades, I think he has a drug problem because he is at a party nearly every night, and he can never keep a job”. Dr. Cloud interrupted with a question, “Why do you hate your son so much?” The father was puzzled and shocked by this question and responded with, “I love my son. I pay his college tuition and I pay for his books. Since he can’t keep a job, I give him some money now and then, and I tried to get him to see you and I am willing to pay for any counseling he needs!” Henry Cloud responded, “Sounds like you love him, but you are hurting him by not setting boundaries. By taking away what he should be responsible for you are limiting his ability to grow and mature.” What Dr. Cloud is pointing out is that we can try to rescue people, even attempt to show love, but we can also do more harm than good. Another example, there are those that are called “sponsors” in AA and these people help those starting the process of recovery from alcohol addiction. Sponsors learn that those on the road of recovery have to “hit rock bottom” before they are able to stay on the road to recovery. Sponsors learn that in order to be a “helper” the worst thing a sponsor can do is rescue someone and thereby keep them from hitting bottom. Applying this to the diagram, some people need to sink before they get serious and take responsibility for personal change.
I mentioned before that the line going up and down from Baros – “sinking” to Phortion – “afloat” is a continuum and I wanted to highlight that because often we don’t know if we are sinking (in a truly hopeless place where we need help), or just going through a trial (where we can grow from the struggle). Likewise, we may not know if someone is in real need of help or if helping them could actually harm them. On this continuum, it may be difficult to determine when to set a boundary and when to show compassion. As a question, “When do I help someone by saying “yes” and when to say “no” as another way of helping?” The answer to this question is to observe “time” and “direction”.
It takes time to fully understand a problem. You may start out perceiving that a person has a burden, but they are afloat - Phortion. Over time, however, you discover that this person is actually sinking – Baros - and not just having a hard time. Their direction went from being afloat to sinking and in need of help. This can often happen with those addicted to something. They may appear to be doing just fine at first, perhaps even going to Celebrate Recovery, AA or even just released from a rehab program, but over time you notice that they experience a “loss of functioning”. Loss of functioning means that an individual is sinking by not being able to do things that most people can do. For example, they stop eating properly; they may stop bathing or taking care of themselves in some way. They may lose their job, their marriage, or even become homeless. They may lose track of time to the point they don’t know what day it is or what year it is. This person is sinking and it is showing in his inability to function as a person.
Looking again at this continuum between sinking and afloat. Let’s say you see that someone is very ill and functioning poorly – they are sinking - Baros, so you let them move in or you pay their rent and over time they begin to get better - Phortion. Over time, their burden changes direction from sinking to being afloat. As their direction changes, so should the boundaries. The boundary changes, so that these individuals can begin taking on some basic responsibilities. Let me clarify, I think it is very important that the person helping a friend or family member, with a sinking problem, do so with an understanding that as things change the help will change. This can be achieved by setting a boundary at the time help is given. For example, if you have the resources and it will not cause you to sink, you could help while at the same time give a boundary by saying something like, “I will pay your rent this month only. Before next month comes, and you are tempted to ask for more money, I have to see that you have applied to 20 jobs or that you have created a business plan to start your own business. If you have not applied to 20 jobs or you don’t have a completed business plan, then you will have to come up with the rent on your own next month”. It may sound harsh, but setting a boundary from the beginning could be the catalyst towards getting them to change, help them out of their denial, and be the very thing that motivates them in taking responsibility for their problem and help them grow to discover their potential. Another example can be found in the story of the Good Samaritan. For those that don’t know the story, it starts out with a man being robbed and beaten to the point of death. I’ll continue the story from Luke 10: 33 “A Samaritan came along, and when he saw the man, he felt compassion for him. 34 Going over to him, the Samaritan soothed his wounds with olive oil and wine and bandaged them. Then he put the man on his own donkey and took him to an inn, where he took care of him. 35 The next day he handed the innkeeper two silver coins,[c] telling him, ‘Take care of this man. If his bill runs higher than this, I’ll pay you the next time I’m here.’ The Samaritan helped the sinking man. Notice that the Good Samaritan had the resources to help – oil, a stiff drink, bandages, transportation, and money, but he did not take him to his home and he did not stay until he fully recovered. He took him to an inn – a temporary residence. The idea is that when the victim recovers, then he is on his own. The Good Samaritan gave, but with limits or boundaries in place.
If saying “yes” in helping someone does not result, over time, in a positive change in direction, then you know that your “yes” is not helping. If you say “no” and over time see that the person is not growing, but actually sinking lower, by experiencing an inability to function, then ask others for advice and consider helping if it is safe to do so. But even in helping, make sure that there is a limit or boundaries to what you will do for them.
The topic of boundaries, and a related topic of codependency, has generated many books on these subjects. If you are struggling in these areas, then seek counseling and consider reading self-help books on this subject. For example, “Boundaries” by authors Henry Cloud and John Townsend is very helpful and a must read.
In this blog post about boundaries, I plan to keep this simple with a limited amount of psychological terms and theory. As a Christian and a Psychologist, I will also be using the Bible to highlight this topic. For those of you feeling a little squeamish about the Bible or you view the Bible as a book that is not relevant for today, you may be pleasantly surprised that I am not going to use the Bible to make you feel stupid or awkward. Instead, the Bible content used here in this blog will emphasize important issues related to this topic of boundaries. To start, I have to give a very brief focus on how boundaries are developed from our early upbringing.
At around 6 months old, we learn to crawl and about 1 year old we learn to walk. This is very important because it gives us the ability to explore. We also learn 2 very important words, “NO” and “Mine”. These words help us to be different from our parents. While attachment provides a sense of belonging, having boundaries – our “no” and “mine” - gives us a sense of identity – who we are apart from our parents. In other words, through attachment we discover who our parents are: their values, beliefs, goals, and ways of relating. We catch a little of who we are as individuals from them. For example, I can see that the ways my parents perceive things and relate to others is similar to how I connect and view the world. Attachment to my parents gave me some form of identity and by discovering my boundaries I am able to develop a more complete identity. With Boundaries, through exploring and the use of “no” and “mine,” I discover what I like, what gives me the feeling of power, and my uniqueness. As I grow within these boundaries I learn important dynamics of who I am as an individual. In other words, apart from my parents, what do I value, what do I enjoy, who am I, what do I want to be, and what is my calling in life? When we are not allowed to say “no” or to have boundaries, or we are given overwhelming and suffocating boundaries, then we can get into some troubling relating styles that make connection to others problematic. It is important to discover how boundaries can limit and enhance healthy relationships. In other words, boundaries define what is mine and what I am responsible for and, just as important, what is not mine.
As a Psychologist, I often hear from people having problems concerning the use of boundaries. Some people use boundaries excessively. In other words, they have too many boundaries – they say “no” to everything and they limit beneficial endeavors for living. This results in isolation or disconnection from healthy relationships. I also see another problem with the use of boundaries and that is having poor boundaries or not having boundaries at all. These people say “yes” to just about everything and rarely say “no” or set limits. The reality is that there are a variety of problems we can get ourselves into related to boundaries and we will cover some of these problem areas in this blog and in upcoming blog topics.
If you were brought up in a home where it was not ok to express your “mine” and “no,” then you may have been told in many ways that you had to live up to the demands and needs of others. In fact, this is very common in a single parent home where the single mother or father feels overwhelmed by their responsibilities and they expect the child to “grow up” and take over some or perhaps all of the “household chores” or responsibilities. As a result, a very young child could be told to be “mothers little helper” or “daddy’s little boss”. A young child may feel that they don’t have any choice, so they take on this role. In other words, they feel they have to be compliant and say “yes” to most situations, even when those responsibilities are hard, painful, or even harmful. Taken into adulthood, these “little helpers” may find they have few boundaries and have difficulty filtering out the needs of others. In this lack of saying “no” they limit achieving their own goals and needs. Put another way, people with poor boundaries find themselves continually taking on problems that aren’t theirs and neglecting their own issues. After taking on someone else’s problems, they have no time to handle their needs, lack the resources needed in achieving their goals, find that their dreams go unfulfilled, and may even abandon a God given calling they have on their life.
Concerning this topic on boundaries, I often get this question, “By setting boundaries, are we just justifying a reason to be selfish?” It is absolutely true that we are to be a loving people and concerned for the welfare of others. In fact, the number-one hallmark of Christians is that we love one another. Jesus said, “By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” (John 13:35). Yes, in order to love others we will, in many instances, need to say “yes” and help another person in need. I would also agree that some will misuse boundaries as a way of avoiding being charitable and to maintain their selfish desires. In fact, as Christians we should be using God given talents and resources to help the church grow. To say “no” in giving to the church my time, skills, and money might be a very selfish thing to do, especially if I have been called by God to be involved in the growth of the church and I say “no,” then I am really just being selfish, stubborn, or stiff necked as the Bible describes.
As I have already stated, “some will misuse boundaries”. In fact, Moses tried to do this. Most of us know the story found in Exodus chapter 3, where Moses is standing before a burning bush and God calls Moses by saying, “Go. I am sending you to Pharaoh to bring my people, the Israelites, out of Egypt.” (vs 10). Moses responds by saying, and I’m paraphrasing, “I’m nobody, so how can I stand before Pharaoh - the most powerful man in the world?” In essence, Moses is trying to misuse a boundary by telling God, “No, I can’t, I’m not good enough.” God responds by helping Moses get his focus off of himself and onto the creator of the universe, so God replies, “I will be with you.” Moses then counters with yet another misuse of boundaries. In fact, over and over Moses continues to misuse a boundary by giving a reason or a “no” of why he can’t obey God. Each time Moses attempts to misuse a boundary, God counters with a solution for his insecurities. In fact, Moses did not attempt to misuse boundaries because he was selfish. I think Moses attempted to misuse boundaries because he was stumbling over his own two feet. In other words, Moses kept his focus on his own insecurities and low self-worth, rather than focusing on what God could do through him. After all, Moses was hiding in the desert because he had killed a man back home in Egypt. Now God is calling him to perform a very important task. From the perspective of Moses, he sees himself as a low-life murderer, wanted by the Egyptian police, and God wants him to go back to Egypt and give a speech before Pharaoh!? Moses feels he can’t possibly be the one for this important role. God must be making some kind of mistake. Right? From God's perspective it is another story. Perhaps God saw Moses as a sinking ship in need of help. After all, here is Moses - isolated, scared, and living a meaningless existence, so God decides to value Moses by calling him for this important task and even encourages Moses to run for office as the President of the Israelite's – “you will lead my people the Israelite's”. God does this despite Moses setting unhealthy boundaries on himself leading to his isolation in the desert and leading to a complete devaluing of his own self-worth. How often do we limit ourselves by trying to misuse a boundary – saying “no” when we should be saying “yes” to a good thing or to healthy change. In a future blog, I will be going into greater detail about this problem of having too many boundaries leading to disconnection, isolation, and lack of healthy change.
Back to our original question, “Does setting boundaries encourage selfishness?” It can, but the opposite can also be problematic. For example, if I say “yes” to every challenge or need the church has, then I will be a very busy person as I say “yes” to the children’s ministry, the high school ministry, being on the church board, going to hospitals to pray for the sick, to jails to visit those in trouble, setting up chairs before every service, giving money for the building fund, and those are just a few things off the top of my head. You can start to see the problem, if I did all those things by saying only “yes” and never setting a boundary, then I would not have time to do my calling of counseling to those in need. The result, I have to be “selfish” (if you want to call it that), by saying “no” to many things in order to say “yes” to what I know God has gifted me and called me to do.
If I say “yes,” out of a distorted belief that I am guilty of “selfishness” or if I say “no”, then I will end up doing too much or “spreading myself too thin” leading to burn out, doing things halfway or partially, and never really helping in the right way. In fact, to think that you can do everything by saying “yes” and rarely saying “no”, then what you are really saying with your actions is that you are all powerful like superman or superwoman or God. By saying “yes” to everyone, you have just made yourself into an idol – “I am God, I can do anything and everything and no one can point the finger and tell me that I am selfish.” Many times I think people say “yes” to unhealthy things only because they feel guilty if they say “no” or set a boundary in place.
A good friend of mine decided it was time to start dating and found himself stuck on one girl. This girl he liked, but he admitted to me that she was a “little crazy” in her beliefs, had some strange ways of thinking, and she was a little quirky or outrageous in how she did things. He felt she was not the right one for him, but he also felt guilty whenever he thought of breaking it off. He also had some self-doubt that he would not be able to find anyone else. He asked for my advice and I told him that as long as he did not say “no” to her, and he continued to be with someone he knew was not right for him, then how was he ever going to discover the girl he wanted to marry? I also told him that as long as he is with this girl, he is also being inconsiderate of her needs. In other words, he was leading her on by giving her the impression that she could be the one for him. What I am trying to emphasize is that sometimes we need to say “no” to others and even “no” to our own insecurities in order to say “yes” to what we know will be best in achieving a fulfilling life.
The follow-up question is, “How does one determine when to say ‘yes’ and when to say ‘no’?” In other words, “When is saying ‘no’ (like Moses tried to do), or saying ‘yes’ to everything, going to be a misuse of boundaries?” There is also another question, “When should I say ‘yes’ to others and when should I say ‘no’ or know when to set boundaries on others?” A relevant guide that can help answer some of these questions is found in the Bible. I have provided a handout with a diagram based a Bible passage from Galatians Chapter 6: 1-5.
Despite what some believe, the Bible is relevant for today. We will find this to be true when it comes to setting boundaries. I will explain the top half of this handout in a moment. Before I do, let’s focus on the passage in the box on the bottom part of the handout. Galatians 6: 1-5 (NIV) reads:
Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. 2 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. 3 If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. 4 Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, 5 for each one should carry their own load (burden – in other translations).
In the handout, I have put in bold the word “burdens” in verse 2 and “load” or “burden” in verse 5. If you love to point out all the contradictions in the Bible, then you will be the first to notice that verse 2 instructs the “brothers and sisters” to “carry each other’s burdens”, but in verse 5 it contradicts that by saying they should “carry their own burden”. The contradiction is only apparent in our English translation, but in the original Greek the English word for burdens, in verse 2, is the Greek word “Baros”. This Greek word can be defined as “an excessive weight to bring down.” Think of this weight as a ship that has so much cargo on it that it can’t support the load or burden, so it starts to sink. In verse 5 we find another word for burden, but this Greek word is Phortion where we derive our common English word of portion. It is still a weight, or a load, but a portion and therefore not an overwhelming load. Think of it as a weight or cargo that the ship can handle, so the boat, even though it might struggle, stays afloat.
In the handout, I have put a diagram above the passage from Galatians. Specifically, I have put these Greek words along a line going up and down. Think of this as a continuum where the boat or situation at one end is baros or sinking (the top end) and at the bottom the boat is Phortion or afloat. The line going across is less of a continuum, but still there to help us navigate between individual burdens or the burdens of others – the burden you might have - the “you” on the left – and the needs or burdens you might see of “others” on the right.
This gives us 4 areas to consider, so let’s start with the upper left. Here you might find yourself in a situation where you are overloaded - you are sinking. Most people when they come into my office for counseling are already here. In fact, that is why they seek counseling - to get help with a situation where they feel overwhelmed. They could be struggling with an addiction to meth, alcohol or gambling. They could be involved in an affair and don’t know how to make their marriage work. What is sad is the person who does not seek help, but they are overwhelmed or sinking with a problem. In fact, that is why one of the 12 steps in recovery is that a person stops living in denial and admit that they have a problem. To say “no” and avoid seeking help, when your life is sinking, would be a misuse of a boundary.
Let’s focus on the upper right of the diagram on the handout. What if a family member or friend is sinking with a problem? Their problem or load that they are sinking with might be an addiction or an abusive relationship, it could be a death in the family, or some problem where you can tell they are sinking. If this is the case, you should offer to help if you can. Whenever I come across this situation, I am reminded of wise advice from a lifeguard. You see, lifeguards are trained to help someone in a sinking situation, but they know that if they go into the water without resources or they try to help someone without being trained in how to rescue, then it is very likely that they could drown themselves. Our practical passage of scripture, at the end of the first verse in the box at the bottom of the handout, emphasizes this same point, “but watch yourselves, or you may be tempted”. In other words, help others, but be careful or “wise” in how you help. For example, if you can’t help someone out of their addiction, then find someone or an institution specializing in helping people who are sinking from an addiction. The same holds true for me as a therapist. I don’t have all the answers and if I don’t know how to help, then I will refer the person to someone, another professional, or to an organization. In fact, to attempt to help, when I don’t know how to, could land me in trouble and harm the person in need.
The bottom left area, of the diagram, in the handout, is where you do have a burden, but you are not sinking. A misuse of boundaries in this situation is all too common. You may feel that life is a burden and want help, but to get out of a struggle could limit your growth potential. The Bible states in James 1:2-4: “Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. 3 For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. 4 So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.” Now I am not saying that if you feel overwhelmed you should not ask for help, but I am talking to those that always play the victim role and want someone to “save” them from their discomfort. The problem is that in always being “saved,” then this person never grows up. Perhaps you have seen this in movies or British television where there is a castle or mansion and the lord of the manor has a spoiled brat for a child. This child, at the age of 30 something, still relies on his father's “allowance” all the while continues to party and makes a mess of his life. In my office, it is rarely the spoiled brat that comes in for help with the desire to take responsibility and make healthy changes. Why should he, the money has not run out . . . yet. The problem arises when this person misuses boundaries in order to maintain his selfish lifestyle. He often finds someone with poor boundaries; someone who will be the codependent one to help him maintain his irresponsible lifestyle.
This leads us to the other side of the diagram – bottom right. Do you know someone like the spoiled rich kid that does not want to grow up? A family member or friend that always has a problem, but they are not that bad off. This is where helping or saying “yes” in “giving” to every “need” can actually cause harm. Some people need to hear “no” so that they can carry their own load and grow from that experience. Sometimes the most loving word you can say to someone is “no”. Psychologist Henry Cloud in one of his books on boundaries gives the example of a dad that came in for counseling. The father started the session by apologizing for the absence of his son. “My son is the one that has problems and I tried to get him in here to see you, but he had to go skiing up North”. “What is his problem?” Dr. Cloud asked. The father replied, “Well he always drops out of college due to poor grades, I think he has a drug problem because he is at a party nearly every night, and he can never keep a job”. Dr. Cloud interrupted with a question, “Why do you hate your son so much?” The father was puzzled and shocked by this question and responded with, “I love my son. I pay his college tuition and I pay for his books. Since he can’t keep a job, I give him some money now and then, and I tried to get him to see you and I am willing to pay for any counseling he needs!” Henry Cloud responded, “Sounds like you love him, but you are hurting him by not setting boundaries. By taking away what he should be responsible for you are limiting his ability to grow and mature.” What Dr. Cloud is pointing out is that we can try to rescue people, even attempt to show love, but we can also do more harm than good. Another example, there are those that are called “sponsors” in AA and these people help those starting the process of recovery from alcohol addiction. Sponsors learn that those on the road of recovery have to “hit rock bottom” before they are able to stay on the road to recovery. Sponsors learn that in order to be a “helper” the worst thing a sponsor can do is rescue someone and thereby keep them from hitting bottom. Applying this to the diagram, some people need to sink before they get serious and take responsibility for personal change.
I mentioned before that the line going up and down from Baros – “sinking” to Phortion – “afloat” is a continuum and I wanted to highlight that because often we don’t know if we are sinking (in a truly hopeless place where we need help), or just going through a trial (where we can grow from the struggle). Likewise, we may not know if someone is in real need of help or if helping them could actually harm them. On this continuum, it may be difficult to determine when to set a boundary and when to show compassion. As a question, “When do I help someone by saying “yes” and when to say “no” as another way of helping?” The answer to this question is to observe “time” and “direction”.
It takes time to fully understand a problem. You may start out perceiving that a person has a burden, but they are afloat - Phortion. Over time, however, you discover that this person is actually sinking – Baros - and not just having a hard time. Their direction went from being afloat to sinking and in need of help. This can often happen with those addicted to something. They may appear to be doing just fine at first, perhaps even going to Celebrate Recovery, AA or even just released from a rehab program, but over time you notice that they experience a “loss of functioning”. Loss of functioning means that an individual is sinking by not being able to do things that most people can do. For example, they stop eating properly; they may stop bathing or taking care of themselves in some way. They may lose their job, their marriage, or even become homeless. They may lose track of time to the point they don’t know what day it is or what year it is. This person is sinking and it is showing in his inability to function as a person.
Looking again at this continuum between sinking and afloat. Let’s say you see that someone is very ill and functioning poorly – they are sinking - Baros, so you let them move in or you pay their rent and over time they begin to get better - Phortion. Over time, their burden changes direction from sinking to being afloat. As their direction changes, so should the boundaries. The boundary changes, so that these individuals can begin taking on some basic responsibilities. Let me clarify, I think it is very important that the person helping a friend or family member, with a sinking problem, do so with an understanding that as things change the help will change. This can be achieved by setting a boundary at the time help is given. For example, if you have the resources and it will not cause you to sink, you could help while at the same time give a boundary by saying something like, “I will pay your rent this month only. Before next month comes, and you are tempted to ask for more money, I have to see that you have applied to 20 jobs or that you have created a business plan to start your own business. If you have not applied to 20 jobs or you don’t have a completed business plan, then you will have to come up with the rent on your own next month”. It may sound harsh, but setting a boundary from the beginning could be the catalyst towards getting them to change, help them out of their denial, and be the very thing that motivates them in taking responsibility for their problem and help them grow to discover their potential. Another example can be found in the story of the Good Samaritan. For those that don’t know the story, it starts out with a man being robbed and beaten to the point of death. I’ll continue the story from Luke 10: 33 “A Samaritan came along, and when he saw the man, he felt compassion for him. 34 Going over to him, the Samaritan soothed his wounds with olive oil and wine and bandaged them. Then he put the man on his own donkey and took him to an inn, where he took care of him. 35 The next day he handed the innkeeper two silver coins,[c] telling him, ‘Take care of this man. If his bill runs higher than this, I’ll pay you the next time I’m here.’ The Samaritan helped the sinking man. Notice that the Good Samaritan had the resources to help – oil, a stiff drink, bandages, transportation, and money, but he did not take him to his home and he did not stay until he fully recovered. He took him to an inn – a temporary residence. The idea is that when the victim recovers, then he is on his own. The Good Samaritan gave, but with limits or boundaries in place.
If saying “yes” in helping someone does not result, over time, in a positive change in direction, then you know that your “yes” is not helping. If you say “no” and over time see that the person is not growing, but actually sinking lower, by experiencing an inability to function, then ask others for advice and consider helping if it is safe to do so. But even in helping, make sure that there is a limit or boundaries to what you will do for them.
The topic of boundaries, and a related topic of codependency, has generated many books on these subjects. If you are struggling in these areas, then seek counseling and consider reading self-help books on this subject. For example, “Boundaries” by authors Henry Cloud and John Townsend is very helpful and a must read.
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