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Isolation

10/17/2016

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Taking time to be alone can be a healthy and rejuvenating experience that allows us to reconnect with our own needs, goals, beliefs, values, and feelings. But when a person experiences too much solitude or feels socially isolated from others, he or she may develop feelings of loneliness, social anxiety, helplessness, or depression.

At the start of these blogs, I pointed out how we start off as infants needing healthy attachment with our parents. As we start to walk and explore our world we discover 2 words that pertain to boundaries and help us become unique individuals. These words are “no” and “mine” and they help us establish our identity. In other words, boundaries help us to discover those unique talents and abilities that God has created you to be. Boundaries are important. They help us to discover how we are uniquely made by God. The problem with boundaries, or saying “no” to everyone and everything, is that this “no” can lead to disconnection from healthy relationships and foster unhealthy isolation. Yes, we can discover some of our uniqueness by being alone, but some unique qualities will remain hidden as long as we hide ourselves from God and others.

For the person in the place of isolation or being disconnected, they don’t know when to say “yes” especially to healthy relationships. Like the child that learned the word “no”, some people learn to say “no” to just about everything, resulting in isolation with very few relationships and perhaps no healthy friends at all. These people often don’t know it, but they are handicapped, paralyzed, and trapped in a place of denial. They believe that their way is safe, comfortable, and free from problems, but the reality is they are disconnected from life itself. Jesus said in John 15:5, “I am the vine and you are the branches” again a focus on attachment, but then Jesus adds, “apart from Me you can do nothing.” He continues to say that if you try to live disconnected from Him you will “burn out” and “dry up” (John 15:6).

I must admit that unhealthy isolation was a major problem for me as a youth. I told a patient that recently and she said, “You, a therapist had difficulty connecting to people?” I have to be honest, most of my life I leaned towards the unhealthy side of isolation. Sure, I justified my isolating tendencies by giving it a clever name – I’m an introvert – “I need my alone time”. Now, I am not knocking the need for us introverts to be alone from time to time. I need alone time to rejuvenate from all the energy needed to connect with people.

If you have ever been hurt, you know the benefit of taking some time alone to lick your wounds; to evaluate what went wrong and how to avoid getting hurt the next time around. In fact, healthy isolation can be a very beneficial form of self-protection. Healthy isolation help us take a good look at ourselves (our needs, wants, and desires in relation to what God wants, His will, and His direction for life), so that we can experience relationships with a sense of preparation, dedication, and rejuvenation needed for healthy attachment.

Isolation becomes unhealthy and even harmful when we avoid the good that God has for us. The Bible describes it this way, Proverbs 18:1, “A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire; he rages against all wise judgment.” Harmful isolation keeps us from experiencing two very important, life-supporting, ingredients that we need in order to grow spiritually and emotionally. These two ingredients for healthy growth out of isolation are known biblically as truth and love.

People tend to enter into unhealthy isolation as a distorted form of self-protection, usually due to a life event that results in a serious emotional injury, deprivation of real love, or physical injury or pain. In other words, an unhealthy and often destructive relationship provides the real life experience that causes a distorted belief that relationships, and people in general, are not safe to be around and that, in this distorted, self-protective mode, it is important to limit being open and vulnerable. The problem with this self-protective mode is that the more we isolate in unhealthy ways, the more we hide from the very things we need to recover from our hurt - We need truth and love.

For example, I was abused as a teenager.  One day my mother’s boyfriend hit me so hard that I blacked out and woke up with a black eye. Not wanting people at school to see me with a shiner, I didn’t go to school. With my mom and dad divorced, it was the weekend to go visit with my dad, but I didn’t want to go and have to respond to some awkward questions about my black eye. Despite wanting to hide my face, I went to see my dad anyway. Because I was often in trouble, I thought my dad would think that I must have done something really bad to deserve a black eye, so while around him and my grandmother I avoided looking at them directly and hid my face. What I didn’t know, due to my unhealthy hiding, was that I was isolating myself from experiencing healthy, safe relationships. Because I had just been abused by an unhealthy and not at all safe person, I started to believe the lie that everyone was unsafe. Believing in a lie, I had the mistaken idea that my dad and my grandmother would also be unsafe to be around. I found out, that was not the truth. When they saw my black eye, they didn’t scold me or blame me for the hurt I was experiencing. Instead, they expressed concern, love, compassion, and they even shared truth that I was unaware of. Due to their love, and informing me of truth, I discovered that when I am hit by someone, especially as a minor, I should call the police. My dad shared this same truth with my mother to let her know that my black eye was not going to be tolerated and that he loved me too much to allow abuse to continue.

If you have been hurt by someone and have responded to that hurt with consistent and ongoing forms of isolation or hiding from others, then you are stuck in an unhealthy place. To be restored to a healthy lifestyle, you will need to begin allowing yourself to be slowly and gently connected to safe and healthy relationships where you can experience real love and have the lies washed away with the truth. The dilemma is that relationships are where you experienced the hurt, so it is hard to trust anyone again. This lack of an ability to trust is why I rarely get someone into my office that wants help getting out of unhealthy isolation. Unfortunately, they come in for help when the bad fruit of unhealthy isolation begins to appear.

Now, I talk about being hurt leading to unhealthy isolation as if it is a knee jerk reaction, but the truth is that there are stages that a person goes through to get stuck in that that place of unhealthy isolation. The first stage does not start with the hurt, but rather it starts with a healthy need that goes unmet.

As I mentioned in past blogs, we have the need for healthy attachment to others and healthy boundaries with others. The need for attachment is a basic human need and when we don’t get that need fulfilled it becomes the first injury experienced on this journey towards unhealthy isolation. Parents provide for a child’s need for attachment and boundaries, but often these needs go unmet as a result of parental neglect, abandonment, or even abuse.

Let me restate from prior blogs that this focus, on the need for healthy attachment and boundaries, is not meant to put parents in a place of condemnation. The truth is that we live in a sin filled world and no matter how perfect you are in parenting you will always fall short of perfection. “All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.” (Rom. 3:23). The focus here is on how a lack of healthy attachment and boundaries will impact a child, and eventually an adult, and sets them on the road towards a lifestyle of unhealthy isolation.

In fact, we can’t blame all this on the sins of the parent. After all, our parents have their parents to blame for modeling harmful ways of attending, or rather not attending, to the needs of a child. Some may want to blame their parents, but then they also have to blame their grandparents and their great-grandparents and so on going all the way back to being able to blame Adam and Eve for the fall of mankind. The result, is having the fall to blame; this fall of mankind setting in motion disastrous events, and even minor situation, that cause an inability for a parent to tend to all the various needs of a child. The point that I am trying to make is that we come into this world as needy children and parents aren’t going to be able to meet the needs perfectly at all times, so these basic needs go unmet and that leads to the first injury of our soul. When a God-given need goes unmet, because of neglect or abuse, that part of us goes into shock.

This injury does not always lead to unhealthy isolation. It is possible to have a need go unmet and still recover from this injury though a renewed experience of love and truth. For example, if I say something hurtful to my wife, the injury is intensified if I wait a long time to apologize, don’t own up to how I have hurt her, avoid repentance, and don’t seek to repair the relationship. On the other hand, if I show love through not waiting long to apologize and my apology is sincere because she can see that I have repented, then the relationship has the potential to be restored and my wife is not likely to retaliate with unhealthy isolation. In other words, when love is expressed, without waiting for things to get worse, and when there is an ownership or an expression of truth in the form of taking responsibility for the injury, then the injured part of the soul is quickly brought back into healthy relationship and not left in isolation. The longer a person stays in hiding from healthy relationships, the greater the injury and the greater the chances for getting stuck in unhealthy isolation.

It is important to point out that in a relationship it is important to deal with the log in your own eye (Matthew 7:5) by admitting to mistakes and behaviors that cause the other person in the relationship to suffer. Parents, who consistently evaluate their own spiritual and emotional issues and can admit errors to their children, will minimize the effects of their parenting mistakes. This lessens the confusion inside the child’s heart about why they are hurting and the child does not have to blame the need as a bad thing, can forgive the parent, and realize that nobody is perfect. This realization can actually foster greater love between parent and child. For example, one of the things that have greatly impacted my relationship with my mother was her ability to admit her faults from our past. As my mother became more honest with herself and with me, then I was able to trust her and allow myself to love her despite her past failings.

We need to remember that not only do others injure us, but we also injure ourselves by our own sinful nature. We need to confess our sins to safe people who will love us, support us, and tell us the truth in love (rather than condemn us). When we feel condemned we tend to hide and this leads to unhealthy isolation. Instead, when we know we have done wrong, we should own it, confess it, seek forgiveness, and accept love from others in order to experience healthy connection.

The next stage in this progression towards unhealthy isolation involves a clever, yet very harmful, coping strategy. When a person does not get basic needs fulfilled in the areas of attachment or boundaries, then the need itself is labeled as a “bad” need. Let me put it another way. We learn from experience. If legitimate needs for comfort and safety are met with harshness or emptiness we learn not to ask for what we need. We come to believe that asking gets us into trouble and that part of us will be hurt again. It becomes more preferable to make the need the culprit than to risk again.

For example, when I was a child I can remember watching television and the electricity immediately went off. I wondered if we were experiencing a city-wide power outage, so I looked out my front door and noticed that the neighbors did not have their lights off, so I asked my mother what she thought was going on. Mother took my question as an accusation and began to get defensive. Specifically, she admitted that she had not paid the electric bill and started to blame her children, me included, for needing so many things like food, water, clothing, and electricity. I started to get the idea that my need for electricity was bad and that I was bad for bringing to her attention that she had not paid the bill. Notice I did not blame my mother for not paying the bill. Instead, I blamed my need for electricity as a bad need. As a result, I went to my room, in the dark, and slept in total denial that I even had a need.

Now you might get the idea that my mother is a horrible person from the personal stories I give about our relationship, but the reality is she has changed a lot from being that overwhelmed, angry, single mother of 3 children. Due to my change, as I grew in my relationship with Jesus, and her change as she grew in her relationship with Christ, we now have a great relationship. We changed individually first, then we were able to change our relationship with each other for the better. I share these life events only to highlight my own progression into unhealthy isolation and to point out the stages in this progression.

These stages thus far are: 1) having a legitimate need go unmet especially the need for love, 2) labeling that need as a bad need, and 3) denying needs exist. Denial is behaving, thinking, believing, and feeling as if some reality is not true. When our heart is injured, due to a need for love going unmet, then we blame the need for love as a bad thing and deny that we even need love.

Denial of our need puts us further on the road to unhealthy hiding as we develop lies that help us cope with the lack of meeting our real need. In other words, a denial of a need results in the 4th stage: development of defenses. These defenses are false solutions, beliefs, and lies we tell ourselves in order to make sense of not having a need fulfilled. These false beliefs we will cover in greater detail in a future blog about defenses. The problem with defenses as a function of denial is that we can’t fix what we keep hidden. In other words, denial leads to the inability to take responsibility for some aspects of our lives. The problem with defenses or false beliefs is that they lead to distorted perceptions about self and others and this often leads to a fear of others and personal insecurities which limit one’s own potential.

As we read the life of Jesus, we see how much he loved to get people out of denial by highlighting their need. One group of people in denial involved the Pharisees and their inability to tolerate weakness and failure. Jesus countered this by saying, “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 5:3). When Jesus taught, “It is not those who are healthy who need a physician, but those who are sick” (9:12), He reaffirmed that the needy, not the self-sufficient, are the ones who connect with Him. Putting His words into practice - when we express our needs, we move toward connection with Him and others.

The last stage on this road to unhealthy isolation is: Rotten Fruit. Ultimately, when our needs are not met, we will experience some problems in living. This is generally experienced in the form of symptoms like depression, anxiety, panic attacks, marital tensions, job difficulties, and health problems. In response to the stress, anxiety, and depression many people turn to an addiction to “feel better”. These addictions to sex, drugs, or even being a workaholic are unhealthy ways of “feeling good” because they are a fantasy lifestyle. The opposite of a false belief (A defense resulting in a fantasy lifestyle.) is reality involving real connection to meet real needs. Unfortunately people seek help for their symptoms and rarely continue the therapy to become more connected to healthy relationships. In a future blog we will cover the topic of safe people and the importance of not only becoming a safe person for others, but how to find a safe person where you can experience truth and love.

Many Christians confuse the symptoms of depression and anxiety as the root cause and try to pray away, or memorize a scripture verse to eliminate the problem, and then they wonder why it is not working when they continue to have symptoms. The symptoms, however, are signals that something is not right. In other words, depression is often a signal that we are not living a lifestyle of truth mixed with loving connection to others and instead we are experiencing a fantasy lifestyle full of unhealthy isolation. Once an isolated person becomes connected to a healthy relationship filled with truth and love, then symptoms begin making more sense and they can be managed or even overcome.

How did I go from an unhealthy lifestyle of isolation and grow to actually love being in healthy relationships? My change came mainly through experiencing the unconditional love of God, but also by traveling to Australia and experiencing a lifestyle much different from where I currently live in Southern California. You may not realize it, but Southern California is a very unique culture. Some historians and sociologists blame it on our love for the automobile and a transition away from trains and streetcars. Conspiracy theorists believe that between 1938 and 1950, National City Lines and its subsidiaries,—with investment from GM, Firestone Tire, Standard Oil of California, Federal Engineering, Phillips Petroleum, and Mack Trucks—gained control of and removed the streetcars and other rail transit systems within Los Angeles in order to make the automobile the main source of transportation. This theory has been publicized in print and media and even movies such as Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Whether or not this theory is true remains a mystery, but the fact is that we rely on a car to get around, not a train or streetcar, and I have not been on a bus in California in years. This love for an individual transportation source comes with a cost psychologically and I only discovered this while living in Australia where many rely on public transportation to get around. In Australia and most of Europe, transportation results in rubbing elbows or bumping into – literally – another person and it is much easier to connect with someone as you travel to work, college, or even church. Meeting so many people and sharing my life with a variety of individuals, I discovered that it is much more enjoyable to connect with a total stranger than it is to be isolated in a bubble we call a car. I think in California, we continue with that bubble mentality into our workplace, gym and even the church where we stay in a bubble of unhealthy isolation never really connecting with someone else.

As a review, let me state those stages leading to an unhealthy isolation:
1)    Having a legitimate need go unmet especially the need for love,
2)    Labeling that need as a bad need,
3)    Denying needs exists,
4)    Developing a defense to stay in denial,
5)    Acquiring rotten fruit or unhealthy symptoms.

Reading this blog, my wife expressed the question, “Opposite to the person that says ‘no’ all the time, what about the person that says ‘yes’ all the time?” In response to that question, the next blog will addressed this concern as we explore the topic of codependency.​
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Boundaries

8/22/2016

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Before you start this topic about boundaries, I would encourage you to read the prior blog post from June 2016 (below or link to right) entitled, Roadmap.

In this blog post about boundaries, I plan to keep this simple with a limited amount of psychological terms and theory. As a Christian and a Psychologist, I will also be using the Bible to highlight this topic. For those of you feeling a little squeamish about the Bible or you view the Bible as a book that is not relevant for today, you may be pleasantly surprised that I am not going to use the Bible to make you feel stupid or awkward. Instead, the Bible content used here in this blog will emphasize important issues related to this topic of boundaries. To start, I have to give a very brief focus on how boundaries are developed from our early upbringing.

At around 6 months old, we learn to crawl and about 1 year old we learn to walk. This is very important because it gives us the ability to explore. We also learn 2 very important words, “NO” and “Mine”. These words help us to be different from our parents. While attachment provides a sense of belonging, having boundaries – our “no” and “mine” - gives us a sense of identity – who we are apart from our parents. In other words, through attachment we discover who our parents are: their values, beliefs, goals, and ways of relating. We catch a little of who we are as individuals from them. For example, I can see that the ways my parents perceive things and relate to others is similar to how I connect and view the world. Attachment to my parents gave me some form of identity and by discovering my boundaries I am able to develop a more complete identity. With Boundaries, through exploring and the use of “no” and “mine,” I discover what I like, what gives me the feeling of power, and my uniqueness. As I grow within these boundaries I learn important dynamics of who I am as an individual. In other words, apart from my parents, what do I value, what do I enjoy, who am I, what do I want to be, and what is my calling in life? When we are not allowed to say “no” or to have boundaries, or we are given overwhelming and suffocating boundaries, then we can get into some troubling relating styles that make connection to others problematic. It is important to discover how boundaries can limit and enhance healthy relationships. In other words, boundaries define what is mine and what I am responsible for and, just as important, what is not mine.

As a Psychologist, I often hear from people having problems concerning the use of boundaries. Some people use boundaries excessively. In other words, they have too many boundaries – they say “no” to everything and they limit beneficial endeavors for living. This results in isolation or disconnection from healthy relationships. I also see another problem with the use of boundaries and that is having poor boundaries or not having boundaries at all. These people say “yes” to just about everything and rarely say “no” or set limits. The reality is that there are a variety of problems we can get ourselves into related to boundaries and we will cover some of these problem areas in this blog and in upcoming blog topics.

If you were brought up in a home where it was not ok to express your “mine” and “no,” then you may have been told in many ways that you had to live up to the demands and needs of others. In fact, this is very common in a single parent home where the single mother or father feels overwhelmed by their responsibilities and they expect the child to “grow up” and take over some or perhaps all of the “household chores” or responsibilities. As a result, a very young child could be told to be “mothers little helper” or “daddy’s little boss”. A young child may feel that they don’t have any choice, so they take on this role. In other words, they feel they have to be compliant and say “yes” to most situations, even when those responsibilities are hard, painful, or even harmful. Taken into adulthood, these “little helpers” may find they have few boundaries and have difficulty filtering out the needs of others. In this lack of saying “no” they limit achieving their own goals and needs. Put another way, people with poor boundaries find themselves continually taking on problems that aren’t theirs and neglecting their own issues. After taking on someone else’s problems, they have no time to handle their needs, lack the resources needed in achieving their goals, find that their dreams go unfulfilled, and may even abandon a God given calling they have on their life.

Concerning this topic on boundaries, I often get this question, “By setting boundaries, are we just justifying a reason to be selfish?” It is absolutely true that we are to be a loving people and concerned for the welfare of others. In fact, the number-one hallmark of Christians is that we love one another. Jesus said, “By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” (John 13:35). Yes, in order to love others we will, in many instances, need to say “yes” and help another person in need. I would also agree that some will misuse boundaries as a way of avoiding being charitable and to maintain their selfish desires. In fact, as Christians we should be using God given talents and resources to help the church grow. To say “no” in giving to the church my time, skills, and money might be a very selfish thing to do, especially if I have been called by God to be involved in the growth of the church and I say “no,” then I am really just being selfish, stubborn, or stiff necked as the Bible describes.

As I have already stated, “some will misuse boundaries”. In fact, Moses tried to do this. Most of us know the story found in Exodus chapter 3, where Moses is standing before a burning bush and God calls Moses by saying, “Go. I am sending you to Pharaoh to bring my people, the Israelites, out of Egypt.” (vs 10). Moses responds by saying, and I’m paraphrasing, “I’m nobody, so how can I stand before Pharaoh - the most powerful man in the world?” In essence, Moses is trying to misuse a boundary by telling God, “No, I can’t, I’m not good enough.” God responds by helping Moses get his focus off of himself and onto the creator of the universe, so God replies, “I will be with you.” Moses then counters with yet another misuse of boundaries. In fact, over and over Moses continues to misuse a boundary by giving a reason or a “no” of why he can’t obey God. Each time Moses attempts to misuse a boundary, God counters with a solution for his insecurities. In fact, Moses did not attempt to misuse boundaries because he was selfish. I think Moses attempted to misuse boundaries because he was stumbling over his own two feet. In other words, Moses kept his focus on his own insecurities and low self-worth, rather than focusing on what God could do through him. After all, Moses was hiding in the desert because he had killed a man back home in Egypt. Now God is calling him to perform a very important task. From the perspective of Moses, he sees himself as a low-life murderer, wanted by the Egyptian police, and God wants him to go back to Egypt and give a speech before Pharaoh!? Moses feels he can’t possibly be the one for this important role. God must be making some kind of mistake. Right? From God's perspective it is another story. Perhaps God saw Moses as a sinking ship in need of help. After all, here is Moses - isolated, scared, and living a meaningless existence, so God decides to value Moses by calling him for this important task and even encourages Moses to run for office as the President of the Israelite's – “you will lead my people the Israelite's”. God does this despite Moses setting unhealthy boundaries on himself leading to his isolation in the desert and leading to a complete devaluing of his own self-worth. How often do we limit ourselves by trying to misuse a boundary – saying “no” when we should be saying “yes” to a good thing or to healthy change. In a future blog, I will be going into greater detail about this problem of having too many boundaries leading to disconnection, isolation, and lack of healthy change.

Back to our original question, “Does setting boundaries encourage selfishness?” It can, but the opposite can also be problematic. For example, if I say “yes” to every challenge or need the church has, then I will be a very busy person as I say “yes” to the children’s ministry, the high school ministry, being on the church board, going to hospitals to pray for the sick, to jails to visit those in trouble, setting up chairs before every service, giving money for the building fund, and those are just a few things off the top of my head. You can start to see the problem, if I did all those things by saying only “yes” and never setting a boundary, then I would not have time to do my calling of counseling to those in need. The result, I have to be “selfish” (if you want to call it that), by saying “no” to many things in order to say “yes” to what I know God has gifted me and called me to do.

If I say “yes,” out of a distorted belief that I am guilty of “selfishness” or if I say “no”, then I will end up doing too much or “spreading myself too thin” leading to burn out, doing things halfway or partially, and never really helping in the right way. In fact, to think that you can do everything by saying “yes” and rarely saying “no”, then what you are really saying with your actions is that you are all powerful like superman or superwoman or God. By saying “yes” to everyone, you have just made yourself into an idol – “I am God, I can do anything and everything and no one can point the finger and tell me that I am selfish.” Many times I think people say “yes” to unhealthy things only because they feel guilty if they say “no” or set a boundary in place.

A good friend of mine decided it was time to start dating and found himself stuck on one girl. This girl he liked, but he admitted to me that she was a “little crazy” in her beliefs, had some strange ways of thinking, and she was a little quirky or outrageous in how she did things. He felt she was not the right one for him, but he also felt guilty whenever he thought of breaking it off. He also had some self-doubt that he would not be able to find anyone else. He asked for my advice and I told him that as long as he did not say “no” to her, and he continued to be with someone he knew was not right for him, then how was he ever going to discover the girl he wanted to marry? I also told him that as long as he is with this girl, he is also being inconsiderate of her needs. In other words, he was leading her on by giving her the impression that she could be the one for him. What I am trying to emphasize is that sometimes we need to say “no” to others and even “no” to our own insecurities in order to say “yes” to what we know will be best in achieving a fulfilling life.

The follow-up question is, “How does one determine when to say ‘yes’ and when to say ‘no’?” In other words, “When is saying ‘no’ (like Moses tried to do), or saying ‘yes’ to everything, going to be a misuse of boundaries?” There is also another question, “When should I say ‘yes’ to others and when should I say ‘no’ or know when to set boundaries on others?” A relevant guide that can help answer some of these questions is found in the Bible. I have provided a handout with a diagram based a Bible passage from Galatians Chapter 6: 1-5.

Despite what some believe, the Bible is relevant for today. We will find this to be true when it comes to setting boundaries. I will explain the top half of this handout in a moment. Before I do, let’s focus on the passage in the box on the bottom part of the handout. Galatians 6: 1-5 (NIV) reads:
Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. 2 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. 3 If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. 4 Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, 5 for each one should carry their own load (burden – in other translations).

In the handout, I have put in bold the word “burdens” in verse 2 and “load” or “burden” in verse 5. If you love to point out all the contradictions in the Bible, then you will be the first to notice that verse 2 instructs the “brothers and sisters” to “carry each other’s burdens”, but in verse 5 it contradicts that by saying they should “carry their own burden”. The contradiction is only apparent in our English translation, but in the original Greek the English word for burdens, in verse 2, is the Greek word “Baros”. This Greek word can be defined as “an excessive weight to bring down.” Think of this weight as a ship that has so much cargo on it that it can’t support the load or burden, so it starts to sink. In verse 5 we find another word for burden, but this Greek word is Phortion where we derive our common English word of portion. It is still a weight, or a load, but a portion and therefore not an overwhelming load. Think of it as a weight or cargo that the ship can handle, so the boat, even though it might struggle, stays afloat.

In the handout, I have put a diagram above the passage from Galatians. Specifically, I have put these Greek words along a line going up and down. Think of this as a continuum where the boat or situation at one end is baros or sinking (the top end) and at the bottom the boat is Phortion or afloat. The line going across is less of a continuum, but still there to help us navigate between individual burdens or the burdens of others – the burden you might have - the “you” on the left – and the needs or burdens you might see of “others” on the right.

This gives us 4 areas to consider, so let’s start with the upper left. Here you might find yourself in a situation where you are overloaded - you are sinking. Most people when they come into my office for counseling are already here. In fact, that is why they seek counseling - to get help with a situation where they feel overwhelmed. They could be struggling with an addiction to meth, alcohol or gambling. They could be involved in an affair and don’t know how to make their marriage work. What is sad is the person who does not seek help, but they are overwhelmed or sinking with a problem. In fact, that is why one of the 12 steps in recovery is that a person stops living in denial and admit that they have a problem. To say “no” and avoid seeking help, when your life is sinking, would be a misuse of a boundary.

Let’s focus on the upper right of the diagram on the handout. What if a family member or friend is sinking with a problem? Their problem or load that they are sinking with might be an addiction or an abusive relationship, it could be a death in the family, or some problem where you can tell they are sinking. If this is the case, you should offer to help if you can. Whenever I come across this situation, I am reminded of wise advice from a lifeguard. You see, lifeguards are trained to help someone in a sinking situation, but they know that if they go into the water without resources or they try to help someone without being trained in how to rescue, then it is very likely that they could drown themselves. Our practical passage of scripture, at the end of the first verse in the box at the bottom of the handout, emphasizes this same point, “but watch yourselves, or you may be tempted”. In other words, help others, but be careful or “wise” in how you help. For example, if you can’t help someone out of their addiction, then find someone or an institution specializing in helping people who are sinking from an addiction. The same holds true for me as a therapist. I don’t have all the answers and if I don’t know how to help, then I will refer the person to someone, another professional, or to an organization. In fact, to attempt to help, when I don’t know how to, could land me in trouble and harm the person in need.

The bottom left area, of the diagram, in the handout, is where you do have a burden, but you are not sinking. A misuse of boundaries in this situation is all too common. You may feel that life is a burden and want help, but to get out of a struggle could limit your growth potential. The Bible states in James 1:2-4: “Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. 3 For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. 4 So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.” Now I am not saying that if you feel overwhelmed you should not ask for help, but I am talking to those that always play the victim role and want someone to “save” them from their discomfort. The problem is that in always being “saved,” then this person never grows up. Perhaps you have seen this in movies or British television where there is a castle or mansion and the lord of the manor has a spoiled brat for a child. This child, at the age of 30 something, still relies on his father's “allowance” all the while continues to party and makes a mess of his life. In my office, it is rarely the spoiled brat that comes in for help with the desire to take responsibility and make healthy changes. Why should he, the money has not run out . . . yet. The problem arises when this person misuses boundaries in order to maintain his selfish lifestyle. He often finds someone with poor boundaries; someone who will be the codependent one to help him maintain his irresponsible lifestyle.

This leads us to the other side of the diagram – bottom right. Do you know someone like the spoiled rich kid that does not want to grow up? A family member or friend that always has a problem, but they are not that bad off. This is where helping or saying “yes” in “giving” to every “need” can actually cause harm. Some people need to hear “no” so that they can carry their own load and grow from that experience. Sometimes the most loving word you can say to someone is “no”. Psychologist Henry Cloud in one of his books on boundaries gives the example of a dad that came in for counseling. The father started the session by apologizing for the absence of his son. “My son is the one that has problems and I tried to get him in here to see you, but he had to go skiing up North”. “What is his problem?” Dr. Cloud asked. The father replied, “Well he always drops out of college due to poor grades, I think he has a drug problem because he is at a party nearly every night, and he can never keep a job”. Dr. Cloud interrupted with a question, “Why do you hate your son so much?” The father was puzzled and shocked by this question and responded with, “I love my son. I pay his college tuition and I pay for his books. Since he can’t keep a job, I give him some money now and then, and I tried to get him to see you and I am willing to pay for any counseling he needs!” Henry Cloud responded, “Sounds like you love him, but you are hurting him by not setting boundaries. By taking away what he should be responsible for you are limiting his ability to grow and mature.” What Dr. Cloud is pointing out is that we can try to rescue people, even attempt to show love, but we can also do more harm than good. Another example, there are those that are called “sponsors” in AA and these people help those starting the process of recovery from alcohol addiction. Sponsors learn that those on the road of recovery have to “hit rock bottom” before they are able to stay on the road to recovery. Sponsors learn that in order to be a “helper” the worst thing a sponsor can do is rescue someone and thereby keep them from hitting bottom. Applying this to the diagram, some people need to sink before they get serious and take responsibility for personal change.

I mentioned before that the line going up and down from Baros – “sinking” to Phortion – “afloat” is a continuum and I wanted to highlight that because often we don’t know if we are sinking (in a truly hopeless place where we need help), or just going through a trial (where we can grow from the struggle). Likewise, we may not know if someone is in real need of help or if helping them could actually harm them. On this continuum, it may be difficult to determine when to set a boundary and when to show compassion. As a question, “When do I help someone by saying “yes” and when to say “no” as another way of helping?” The answer to this question is to observe “time” and “direction”.

It takes time to fully understand a problem. You may start out perceiving that a person has a burden, but they are afloat - Phortion. Over time, however, you discover that this person is actually sinking – Baros - and not just having a hard time. Their direction went from being afloat to sinking and in need of help. This can often happen with those addicted to something. They may appear to be doing just fine at first, perhaps even going to Celebrate Recovery, AA or even just released from a rehab program, but over time you notice that they experience a “loss of functioning”. Loss of functioning means that an individual is sinking by not being able to do things that most people can do. For example, they stop eating properly; they may stop bathing or taking care of themselves in some way. They may lose their job, their marriage, or even become homeless. They may lose track of time to the point they don’t know what day it is or what year it is. This person is sinking and it is showing in his inability to function as a person.

Looking again at this continuum between sinking and afloat. Let’s say you see that someone is very ill and functioning poorly – they are sinking - Baros, so you let them move in or you pay their rent and over time they begin to get better - Phortion. Over time, their burden changes direction from sinking to being afloat. As their direction changes, so should the boundaries. The boundary changes, so that these individuals can begin taking on some basic responsibilities. Let me clarify, I think it is very important that the person helping a friend or family member, with a sinking problem, do so with an understanding that as things change the help will change. This can be achieved by setting a boundary at the time help is given. For example, if you have the resources and it will not cause you to sink, you could help while at the same time give a boundary by saying something like, “I will pay your rent this month only. Before next month comes, and you are tempted to ask for more money, I have to see that you have applied to 20 jobs or that you have created a business plan to start your own business. If you have not applied to 20 jobs or you don’t have a completed business plan, then you will have to come up with the rent on your own next month”. It may sound harsh, but setting a boundary from the beginning could be the catalyst towards getting them to change, help them out of their denial, and be the very thing that motivates them in taking responsibility for their problem and help them grow to discover their potential. Another example can be found in the story of the Good Samaritan. For those that don’t know the story, it starts out with a man being robbed and beaten to the point of death. I’ll continue the story from Luke 10: 33 “A Samaritan came along, and when he saw the man, he felt compassion for him. 34 Going over to him, the Samaritan soothed his wounds with olive oil and wine and bandaged them. Then he put the man on his own donkey and took him to an inn, where he took care of him. 35 The next day he handed the innkeeper two silver coins,[c] telling him, ‘Take care of this man. If his bill runs higher than this, I’ll pay you the next time I’m here.’ The Samaritan helped the sinking man. Notice that the Good Samaritan had the resources to help – oil, a stiff drink, bandages, transportation, and money, but he did not take him to his home and he did not stay until he fully recovered. He took him to an inn – a temporary residence. The idea is that when the victim recovers, then he is on his own. The Good Samaritan gave, but with limits or boundaries in place.

If saying “yes” in helping someone does not result, over time, in a positive change in direction, then you know that your “yes” is not helping. If you say “no” and over time see that the person is not growing, but actually sinking lower, by experiencing an inability to function, then ask others for advice and consider helping if it is safe to do so. But even in helping, make sure that there is a limit or boundaries to what you will do for them.
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The topic of boundaries, and a related topic of codependency, has generated many books on these subjects. If you are struggling in these areas, then seek counseling and consider reading self-help books on this subject. For example, “Boundaries” by authors Henry Cloud and John Townsend is very helpful and a must read.
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Attachment

7/2/2016

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Before you start this topic on Attachment, I would encourage you to read the prior blog post from June 2016 (below or link to right) entitled, Roadmap.

In order to graduate as a Psychologist, I had to write a dissertation. My dissertation focused on this topic: attachment. I could spend hours on this subject and perhaps, in future blogs, I will return to this subject in greater detail. For some, this is a complex topic, but for others this will be like a review from your college class. Don’t be alarmed, this blog will not turn into a long and boring college level lecture.

Oh, that reminds me:  A couple came to church one day and after the sermon the wife approached the Pastor, "I hope you didn’t take it personally, Pastor, when my husband walked out during your sermon." The Pastor replied, "Well, I did find it rather disconcerting," The wife added, "It’s not a reflection on you, after all, my husband has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child.” My hope is that this blog does not put you to sleep. Yes, this topic can be complex, but read on because you may find some benefit from learning about yourself and others.

To start this blog on the topic of attachment it is important to understand that we grow as individuals in stages. We don’t just pop out onto the earth fully independent and functioning all on our own. For example, as infants we needed to be fed, cleaned, kept warm, but not overheated, we needed to be comforted, especially when we were sick, and we needed to be soothed when afraid. At first our caregiver provides these basic needs, but soon we learn how to take care of ourselves.  The thing is, even as adults, we still have a built in need for connection where we crave being cared for, understood, and experience a sense of safety and security that comes with being connected to others. When we attach to others we experience fulfillment of these basic needs and many of these needs are emotionally based. For instance, we want to be happy with others, experience pleasure with them, and have them close, so they can understand our tears, pain, and fears.

We also have spiritual needs that we can only get fulfilled through a connection with God. Our connection to others helps us in this process of a connection with God. In fact, it took another person to open up and share with you the Good News about Jesus and we continue growing as Christian as we fellowship with others.

When we expose our emotions and our spiritual needs to someone else, we discover that we place ourselves in a vulnerable position. Consequently, attachment to others is often a very risky venture. Let me put it another way, attachment to others necessitates taking a risk; allowing someone else to matter enough to us even though it is likely to be painful. To relate our needs to others is to connect and expose ourselves to them. For most of us, it is not easy to let a carefully chosen person inside the private, hurting, and fragile parts of who we are.

Now, I am not proposing that everyone should be connecting to just anyone in such a way as to become someone’s doormat or opening up to a potentially abusive relationship. In fact, let me make this perfectly clear, I am not proposing attachment without boundaries because that generates codependency. Connection without boundaries also opens the door to being used and abused. We will get to the topic of boundaries and codependency in upcoming blogs, but for now, what I am proposing is that you open up to others to the point of being seen and treasured, while depending on others in a way that encourages emotional wellbeing, growth as a person, and discovering the value of being with someone. Ecc. 4:9-12 reads, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken” Jesus knew the importance of attachment. In John 15:4 he said, “Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me.”  

From the field of psychology, there is research to suggest that the close emotional bond between parents and children impacts the attachment that develops between adults in emotionally intimate relationships. Researchers focusing on attachment have been fascinated by this bond between a caregiver and a child and have noticed some differences in this bonding interaction. Specifically, this developmental process of attachment is a primary foundation from which we all start in our growth. Because it is foundational, we all have a need to be in love, to experience love from someone else, in other words, to be connected.  

Before I go on, I have to give a warning to parents. This focus on attachment can brings with it feelings of parental guilt and shame as well as resentment towards parents. Let me emphasize that this focus on the need for healthy attachment is not meant to put parents in a place of condemnation. The truth is that we live in a sin filled world and no matter how perfect you are in parenting you will always fall short of perfection. “All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23). The focus on attachment is about what you received in your early years of development and how this attachment, or lack thereof, impacts how you currently connect with others; especially with your significant other; your spouse or soon to be spouse.  

What happens in this early parent-child bond?  The beginning of life should offer a sense of welcome, transferred from parent to child, a feeling of “you belong to us; we’re glad you are here; a part of this family.” Ideally, parents devote the early years of their child’s life to helping the infant take in and internalize this sense of belonging and safety. In psychology, there is a term that describes this healthy attachment. This term is called emotional object constancy. “Object” in psychology terms stands for the caregiver. “Constancy” is just what it sounds like – something that is constant or consistent. What Psychologists mean when they use this term “emotional object constancy” is this – the caregiver becomes a constant part of the child, so that even when alone the child has an emotional base of comfort knowing that there is a connection with the caregiver. Putting it simply, it is the state of feeling connected even when alone. This emotional object constancy becomes a part of the child as the result of repeated reassurance and care given by the caregiver. As love is taken in, it forms an emotional memory that soothes and comforts in times of stress. When we don’t get the repeated reassurance of love from our primary caregiver, then we experience what is called attachment deficits.

Before we get into attachment deficits, I want to stress the importance of the "body of Christ". People that come to a healthy church, should experience a state of feeling connected; a repeated reassurance that others care. Over time, the person, connected to other Christians, develops an emotional memory that soothes and comforts and makes it easier to handle the stress that comes from living in this fallen world. That is why a group of caring Christians can provide for others simply by connecting with them and by doing so establish a bond that can be the starting point for their relational healing. This relational healing opens people up to a relationship with God as scared people come to trust that God is working though others to provide a safe place to be real and to share hurts without condemnation.  

God has designed this attachment so that it provides comfort, safety and love within a relationship, but there is also a counterfeit version of this.  God intends for us to bond in a growth-producing manner. In Genesis, when we read that God created the Earth, Adam and the animals, all is good in this paradise, except for one thing, it was not good for man to be alone. We were created with a need for another, for an attachment, for connection to others in a growth-producing way. Because we live in a fallen world we can also attach to things and even people in a death-producing dependence that will destroy us. 1 John 2:16 describes these counterfeits as “the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boastings of what he has and does”. Every week in my office, I see men and women that are experiencing death-producing situation as a result of a counterfeit attachment. Situations like having an affair, an addiction to porn, and even work where they are married to the job. By the time they get to my office, they know they are dying inside and their relationships are crumbling. Other than the ones I just mentioned, some other counterfeit attachments can be related to shopping, gambling, food, and even staying busy with Christian activities. Now, I’m not knocking being involved and helping out, but when you do, do, do and no one knows you; when you don’t allow anyone to understand your deepest emotions; when you don’t expose yourself, so that they can find out what a treasure you are, well then you are doing so to avoid connection. Like the Pharisees of Jesus time, we can do all the right things, have our priorities right, have purposeful lives, go to accountability groups, and even help people, but when we hide our emotions from others, then we are still alone, while in a crowd, even a crowd of other believers, and our loneliness leads to a heart that becomes empty and dead. If this is you, then ultimately you are avoiding growth, growth that you could be experiencing though the development of healthy attachments. God designed us for connection to others and to God himself. Attempting to avoid and accept a counterfeit to what you were created for will only lead to greater loneliness and pain. In future blogs, I will go over in more detail this area of isolation and the beliefs and thoughts that keep some of us trapped in this place of disconnection.  

As I stated earlier, when we don’t get the repeated reassurance of love from our primary caregiver, then we experience what is called attachment deficits. What are these attachment deficits and how can we experience healing of these unattached parts of ourselves? To start, you must realize that God wants all of us to grow and experience his love, so God wants the isolated part of us to come out of the darkness, filled with death-producing counterfeit attachments, and into the light of His love, filled with healthy, life-producing attachments to others. God wants us to grow, but in order to do that we must first have some awareness of the problems we faced in our past and how those same problems limit us in our ability to connect with others. To get a better understanding of attachment deficits, let’s look at examples of attachment styles.

Research has revealed that there are various attachment styles between a caregiver and the child. Again, the focus of this research was not on the deficits and problems brought by the caregiver. In other words, researchers didn’t have the focused of “let's pick on the parents and highlight all their faults.” In fact, the research focused on the impact on the child in relation to this bond with the caregiver.

The first style of attachment researchers labeled as the Secure Attachment. In this style, the child appeared to know that the caregiver is readily available and could be counted on as a secure base to venture out and explore the world. Those that grew up with this ideal style of attachment tend to view all relationships from this framework. For example, they know their spouse and others are there and they can count on certain relationships as being a safe haven, as a secure base to venture out into the world. I must stress that this secure attachment is rare. Most of us have not had a supportive, healthy relationship with our parents. I shared in the last blog how I come from a broken home where abuse happened, but I also had moments of experiencing this secure attachment style. As a child, I spent summer vacation away from home to live 3 months or so with my grandmother. As a result, my grandmother became my summertime caregiver and she demonstrated this secure attachment style. It was not experienced the majority of my upbringing, but at least having a taste of it helped me to understand this style. I’m positive that my relationship with my grandmother kept me from becoming a severely dysfunctional person.  

The next attachment style researchers labeled as Anxious attachment. In this style a child is not sure if a caregiver or loved one will be available, so anxiety is produced along with being angry and protesting about others not being around to provide comfort and support for emotional needs. As adults in relationship, these people react to their anxiety in unhealthy ways, such as fits of rage, but also with codependent interactions in a frenzied attempt to maintain connection.  

Another attachment style researchers labeled as Avoidant. In this style a child experiences rejection, neglect or abandonment, so they learn fast to live without others. As adults, these people learn to not need others and be extremely independent to the point of isolation. They never really have a childhood. They had to grow up quickly in order to make their own meals and be responsible for themselves. There was no one around to meet basic needs. There was also no one around to connect to on an emotional level, so the belief is that emotions are unnecessary; the belief generated is that emotions only get in the way of the need to be logical. After all, the need to concentrate or be logical is essential in order to figuring things out and be responsible for oneself. Fears and pain are ignored and connection to others becomes difficult.  

Another attachment style is labeled as Fearful or Disorganized. Due to abuse, there is a desire for closeness, but also a fear of connection leading to a push-pull form of relating to others. These people believe that they are defective and unlovable, but they have feelings where they desire and long to be loved. They have a hard time trusting others and they may shy away from others, but other times they give mixed messages that they want to start a relationship. They often play games just to test others, but even after a successful test they are afraid of getting more abuse.  

You may find yourself relating to these attachment styles and it is important to know yourself in order to know what is limiting your ability to connect with healthy people. I also wanted to point out something else from these attachment styles. If we look at difficulties in connecting to others from the view of these attachment styles, then we can understand why people argue or fight, why they are afraid to connect, and why some want to connect, but have difficulty being consistent. As Christians, an understanding of these attachment styles can help us to be sensitive and compassionate towards others and nurture them towards a healthy connection. In other words, we help them to understand what it means to have had a difficult upbringing and develop trust in a connection to a healthy person.

Going back to this term “emotional object constancy” and contrasting it with these attachment styles, it is obvious that a healthy process of attachment can be easily interrupted resulting in attachment deficits. Despite these interruptions, for most of us the growth process must continue until our hearts and souls discover the benefit of a relationship where we know we are safe as well as loved and cherished by God and others. Repairing an attachment deficit involves 2 factors. First, it requires finding safe, warm relationships in which emotional needs will be accepted and loved, not criticized and judged. Second, repair requires taking the risk of exposing your emotions and needs. Attachment to God and others is what the soul needs most, and yet it was in a relationship where injury and pain was initially experienced. A disconnected person can be devastated by further emotional abandonment, so the risk of taking a healing step toward healthy attachment involves a step of faith. I mentioned that the first step in finding healing from attachment deficits is to find a safe person in which emotional needs will be accepted and loved. I also mentioned that exposing yourself to another is a risky venture that takes faith. What I am getting at is the importance of having a relationship with Jesus as that safe person. In order to experience healing, Jesus is offering to start the process by being with you on this journey of experiencing a healthy connection. Psalm 46:1 puts it this way, “God is our refuge and strength, a great help in times of distress.” If you have not already accepted the offer Jesus has for you, then please talk to a Pastor about receiving Jesus as your safe person; to help guide you in connecting to the heavenly Father and to other safe people. In Matthew 18: 3-4 Jesus calls us to be like little children, to humbly acknowledge our needs and openly ask for them to be met, rather than pretend to be self-sufficient. If you have made that connection with Jesus by accepting what He has done for you on the cross, then let your loving God know about your needs and about any tendency to avoid connection though counterfeit ways. To find out more about starting a faith journey, I encourage you to click the “Faith” link at the top of this page.

Some of us hope that our spouse would be a safe person. I’m sure you got married or started an intimate relationship with the intent of experiencing love, having a safe haven with each other, and maintaining an emotional connection. Gal. 5:14 talks about the importance of maintaining love within a relationship. It reads, “For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” This passage goes on to give a warning that, “15 If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.”  A wife turned to her Husband and said, “You've brought religion into my life. The husband responded, “Really? How?” She replied, “Until I met you, I didn't believe in Hell.”  Unfortunately, this is where many couples find themselves; living in a destructive marriage, fighting, and feeling stuck – living a hell on earth. In some marriages, they experience distress from rigid routines that keep them from experiencing love, experiencing their marriage as a safe haven, and limit the emotional connection they cherished while they were getting to know each other in those moments of dating.

Briefly, let me describe some key aspect of being a safe person. A safe person is: someone that seeks closeness or tenderness in having relationships, these people provide safety and they encourage trust, they are emotionally compassionate and available, they are responsive and empathetic, they are caring and comforting, they always consider the best interest of a relationship, they provide a secure base with the focus of helping others build confidence to face problems, and finally they encourage growth of a community as connection is experienced with others. Sounds like your Pastor, but it could also be you. Don’t forget, it could also be you with your spouse, family, close friend, or even a stranger interested in starting a relationship with Christ.  

I will close with the lyrics from a song by Francesca Battistelli:

"If We're Honest"
Truth is harder than a lie
The dark seems safer than the light
And everyone has a heart that loves to hide
I'm a mess and so are you
We've built walls nobody can get through
Yeah, it may be hard, but the best thing we could ever do, ever do
Bring your brokenness, and I'll bring mine
'Cause love can heal what hurt divides
And mercy's waiting on the other side
If we're honest
If we're honest
Don't pretend to be something that you're not
Living life afraid of getting caught
There is freedom found when we lay
our secrets down at the cross, at the cross
Bring your brokenness, and I'll bring mine
'Cause love can heal what hurt divides
And mercy's waiting on the other side
If we're honest
If we're honest
It would change our lives
It would set us free
It's what we need to be
If we're honest

Let’s pray. Our Father, be at work in us to heal the hurts; the abandonment, abuse, detachment, and superficial family upbringing, that have led to isolation and death-producing counterfeit paths. Forgive us for giving into a way of life that is not your life-producing plan. God be our refuge and strength. Our great help in times of distress. Guide us to others where we can experience a safe person to be in a relationship with. May we grow to trust in your love. Help us to step out in faith, to take the risk to be open and honest with others and become that safe person for others to enjoy. Amen
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Roadmap for Counseling

6/6/2016

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Think of this blog as an overview of topics to expect in future blogs. In other words, this outline or a map will focus on topics that you can expect in upcoming blogs and when you come in for counseling at Transforming Minds Christian Counseling Center. The plan is to do a series of blogs. We will start with this one as an overview, then return in upcoming blogs to dive in deeper. If you have been to Transforming Minds, then you have already heard from me a little of what I plan to cover in this blog. In fact, I start every counseling session with this diagram (Click here to see the diagram) and I call this my “roadmap” for counseling. This roadmap is mainly for individual counseling, but as you will see it also has to do with relationships and connection – the focus of the therapy I provide at Transforming Minds.

Before we get into this roadmap, I wanted to highlight a quote from Genesis church (thegenesisstory.com), “If we hide who we are from others, we can never become genuine.” The focus of therapy is to help people to become connected to another person, in a meaningful way, and in the process of this connection become genuine, authentic, and growing individuals. I must stress that this is a process. For some of you reading this it may take some time to go from a stuck and troubling situation to a place where you feel free, you are growing, and you realize the benefit of connection to others.

This process of growth I call a journey. In fact, in my office I have images depicting counseling as a journey. Like any hike, we need to have a plan and we need to know what to expect along the path we are about to take. Before we look at this roadmap and see the journey we are to undertake (in upcoming blogs), the tendency is to deny that these topics have anything to do with you and it is all about the hang-ups and problems you see in your spouse or someone else you are trying to connect with. From your perspective you might tell yourself: they have the problem, they need to change, they are the reason this relationship is not working. The problem is that you’re not going to get very far on life’s journey if you are always jabbing with your elbow (blaming) the person next to you and not looking at your own problems that are making you stumble and impeding your progress on life’s highway. Let’s look at this roadmap and start this journey.

We start with Attachment (middle left on diagram). The reality is that you are on this journey of life and it all started with connection to your parents. Before birth you were connected to your mother. It is called an umbilical cord. Before birth, you were also connected to God. The Bible highlights this fact in Ps 139:13 where David wrote, “You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb.” In Jeremiah 1:3, God is speaking to His prophet and highlights this fact, “I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb. Before you were born . . .”. It is obvious that you would not be alive without a connection, in birth, to your mom and, in a similar way - you can’t truly be alive without a connection to your heavenly Father. From the moment you are conceived, you receive sustenance, nutrients, and yes even life giving blood from our mother. Spiritually, you can have new life through the blood that Jesus shed on the cross. For most of us, from the arms of our mom, we experienced comfort, warmth, and safety. Let’s not leave out the importance of our earthly father, because he also provided safety, values, and a sense of belonging. This family unit, this attachment, is the first connection we belong to and this is where growth starts. If we don’t have early attachment, we did not have a mother or father, or this attachment is blocked or disturbed in some way (in psychology term – dysfunctional attachment), then we are hampered in ways that do not promote growth. For example, instead of comfort, we feel uncomfortable around others perhaps all of our life; instead of accepting nutrition for growth, we allow bad things to come in an infect us, slowly eating away at the core of our soul; instead of enjoying warmth, we tell ourselves that we enjoy cold, isolation, and that we can get along fine on our own, not realizing that our minds and hearts are becoming numb by the bitter cold that we experience all around us in these dark days; and instead of safety, we venture out foolishly where angels fear to tread.

On a side note, this focus on attachment always brings with it feelings of parental guilt and shame. Let me emphasize that this focus on the need for healthy attachment is not meant to put parents in a place of condemnation. The truth is that we live in a sin filled world and no matter how perfect you are in parenting you will always fall short of perfection: “All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God” (Rom. 3:23). Yes, in the next blog as we focus in greater detail on this subject of attachment, you will see areas where you could improve in how you parent your children, but this focus on attachment is about what you received in your early years of development and how this attachment, or lack thereof, impacts how you currently connect with others.

Now few of us have had a blessed upbringing with wonderful parents. If you have been fortunate to have had this blissful, healthy, attachment with your parents, then praise the Lord, but for the rest of us, we were brought up in a world filled with sin and we experienced the sins of our fathers and mothers. These sins were sins of commission and sins of omission. In other words, we experienced things done directly to us like abuse and we also experienced indirect things such as being neglected. For example, I know I was neglected by my mother and because my mother and dad divorced, my father was absent for much of my upbringing. Neglect, I view as sin done to me in a passive way or a sin of omission – a void of attachment that I did not get growing up. I was also given unhealthy attachment in a direct way in the form of physical abuse (a sin of commission) – a direct sinful act that counteracted and tainted any progress in the somewhat healthy attachment I received.

God knows the importance of being your heavenly Father, of providing protection, comfort and fuel for growth. Jesus said in Rev 3:20, “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me.” In another passage, in John 6:51, Jesus said, “I am the living bread that came down from heaven. Anyone who eats this bread will live forever; and this bread, which I will offer so the world may live, is my flesh.” I tell you the truth, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you cannot have eternal life within you. But anyone who eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life.” You see, Jesus wants attachment with us and to reject or avoid attachment results in death, but to seek out healthy attachment with God results in life, abundant life.

Fortunately, in my teen years, I found a healthy attachment in a relationship with Jesus, falling in love with Him; His salvation, protection, nurturance, and care. After falling in love with my creator, the body of Christ, my local church, became a great source of healthy bonding that repaired much of the unhealthy attachment of neglect and abuse I received from my parents. As I mentioned before, growth is a process and at times a painful journey, but I got help from God and the local church. This help opened my eyes to see the connection Jesus had with me, the connection I had with others, and how I had to grow by forgiving my parents.

Let’s look on this roadmap and see where else we have journeyed in life. After birth, and receiving attachment from our parents, we move on – literally we move. At around 6 months old, we learn to crawl and about 1 year old we learn to walk. This is very important because it gives us the ability to explore. We also learn 2 very important words, “No” and “Mine”. These words help us to be different from our parents. While attachment provides a sense of belonging, having boundaries (middle right on roadmap) gives us a sense of identity – of who we are apart from our parents. In other words, through attachment we discover who our parents are: their values, beliefs, goals, and ways of relating. We catch a little of who we are as individuals from them. For example, I can see that the ways my parents perceive things and relate to others is similar to how I connect and view the world. Attachment gave me some form of identity, but it is incomplete. Boundaries finish the job of creating a more complete identity. With Boundaries, through exploding and the use of “no” and “mine,” you discover what you like, what gives you the feeling of power, and your uniqueness. As we grow within these boundaries we learn important dynamics of who we are as individuals. In other words, apart from my parents, what do I value, what do I enjoy, who am I, what do I want to be, and what is my calling in life? When we are not allowed to say “no” or to have boundaries, or we are given overwhelming and suffocating boundaries, then we can get into some troubling relating styles that make connection to others problematic. Once again, this is only an overview, but in an upcoming blog, we will be looking at boundaries and how they can limit and enhance connection to others.

Before we move on, I found this interesting passage from a book entitled, “The Samson Syndrome” by Mark Atteberry. It reads:
BOUNDARIES. FROM DAY ONE WE HAVE TO CONTEND with them. Moments after your birth you were wrapped in a blanket and put into a bed that looked something like a fish tank on wheels. Then when you got home, your parents put you in a bed that had bars like a jail cell. And when it was time to play, they dropped you into something called a “playpen.” At first these enclosures were of no concern. But as your motor skills developed and your mobility increased, you began to feel quite restricted. And then one day it hit you: You were being tricked. They called it a playpen to make it sound enticing. They filled it with your favorite toys and they always talked mushy baby talk when they stuck you in it. But suddenly you knew. You saw the truth as clearly as if it were written on the wall in crayon: You were being held prisoner. They could call the devilish contraption anything they wanted, but a cage by any other name is still a cage. And that’s when you rebelled. Big time. At the top of your lungs. With some kicking and tears thrown in for good measure. And you didn’t stop until somebody came and liberated you. But your victory was short-lived, for there were more boundaries in your future.

Let’s get back to our map and see what else we can look forward to in our future blog topics. By the time we get to our teenage years we tend to go off into 2 directions (bottom half of the roadmap). Either we have distorted boundaries (arrow down and to the right on roadmap) or we have dysfunctional attachments (arrow down and to the left on roadmap) and these push us in a direction where we end up isolated, disconnected, and alone (bottom right on roadmap), or we go the other extreme where we lack a complete identity and we do, say, and respond in ways to please someone (bottom left on roadmap).

For the person in the place of isolation or being disconnected (bottom right on roadmap), they don’t know when to say “yes” especially to healthy relationships. Like the child that learned the word “no”, these teens say “no” to just about everything, resulting in disconnection with very few relationships and perhaps no healthy friends at all. These people often don’t know it, but they are handicapped, paralyzed. They believe that their way is safe, comfortable, and free from problems, but the reality is they are disconnected from life. Jesus said in John 15:5, “I am the vine and you are the branches” again a focus on attachment, but then Jesus adds, “apart from Me you can do nothing.” He continues to say that if you try to live disconnected from Him you will “dry up” and “wither”. Those in this disconnected state think that they are free from problems. They see the problems others have and are happy they don’t have such problems. Telling themselves that they have a carefree life, but they ignore, what is obvious to anyone else, that they are not thriving, they are without passion, without connection and without a real zest for life. I used to be this way. I had a friend that would hang out with me in my teen years. He once introduced me to one of his girlfriends as a “laid back and care free kind of guy” and then added, “If he was any more laid back, he would be dead.” He was very close to the truth, because I had a common response to everything, “I don’t care”. In fact, I was proud of this and labeled it as “care free”, but I was often depressed, addicted, hurtful towards others, and bored. In fact, I have put in this corner next to disconnected (bottom right section on roadmap) a list of problems that will likely be experienced on this downward journey.

Once again, this is an overview and there will be an upcoming blog focusing on being disconnected. On this subject, we will cover ways of disconnecting, such as the behaviors, beliefs, and thoughts that most of us don’t want to face.

Now most of you may be thinking, “Wow, I can give that topic a miss; Sounds disturbing!” I’ve been there. Part of my struggle, as a result of years of being disconnected, is a tendency to avoid anything that takes me out of my “comfort zone” or out of my comfy “escape from problems at any cost, carefree” attitude. The sid- effect of this avoidant tendency is that it infects other areas of life; where I start to notice an avoidance of living and thriving with the result of being numb to emotions, needs, and drives; a total shut down from others and even from caring about myself. The Bible describes it this way, Proverbs 18:1, “A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire; he rages against all wise judgment.” This downward path, it is not healthy, but you can do something about it by reading the upcoming blog focusing on the dangers of being disconnected, the stages of isolation, and how to move out of this death filled state to a place of life filled with healthy connection.

Back to our roadmap. By the teen age years, we may not go the disconnected way, but if we don’t, then we are likely to go the other way. This is the way of being codependent where we view attachments to others as the most important dynamic of life. As a result, we have trouble saying “no”. Instead, we say “yes” to everything, even when it hurts us. We don’t know when to say “no” in order to have our own opinion or identity. We go along with the crowd and we become martyrs. Not martyrs for the glory of Christ – we would love it if we could. We become martyrs in order to keep a relationship from leaving. We fear abandonment at any cost and the cost is a void of any authentic relationship and often we will put up with various forms of abuse. This abuse creates resentment and we find ourselves responding with indirect anger; not direct anger because we might lose the person we are angry at. The result is that we avoid being authentic, because if we show any of our true self our authentic self, then we believe we will lose out on having the “security” of someone in our lives. But is being a codependent doormat in order to keep a relationship, being authentic to yourself, to the other person you are trying to be in a relationship with? Is it fair to your relationship with God? You see, your God views you as his child, a treasure, the bride of Christ. He values you as a person, but you throw away you in order to hold on to an unhealthy, other person and make that other person an idol; the reason and purpose for existing. Yes, this is a very unhealthy place to be in and some of those unhealthy experiences are listed in the lower left corner associated with those living a codependent life. I’ve been here as well; how often did I not speak out against the physical abuse I was receiving. I put my head in the sand and “kept the peace” in order to maintain a connection with my dysfunctional, sick “family” of origin; afraid of even imagining a better life than that of abuse. Yes, this upcoming blog will be hard to face and some of you may be thinking, within your codependent tendency of I will just say yes to unhealthy cause I can’t say no; I will just carry on with my mantra of “better the devil you know than the devil you don’t,” so it is best not to change and at least I have some form of connection. The problem with that thought is that you do have the devils form of connection. Satan will always provide you with a counterfeit to the real thing. The real connection is what God has for you and you need to trust that what God has is way better than the counterfeit. Choose the blessing, learning how to have a real connection, by reading the upcoming blog focusing on codependency.

Back to our roadmap. The result of disconnection or codependency is the same – a mask to wear; a hiding from connection resulting in an unhealthy, underdeveloped existence (middle-bottom of roadmap). At first the mask fits and provides some advantages. It helps us cope with the lack of healthy attachments or lack of boundaries. As any actor with a mask on, we are never ourselves. We are not connected and therefore not authentic. The longer the mask stays on the more we lose our true self and become a false self. We don’t even know who we are any more. We never show all of ourselves because we don’t really know the person we were created to be. God sees the true self (upper middle of roadmap), and loves us individually despite our junk and the mask we hide behind. His love and sometimes the love we receive from others, shows us a small part of ourselves. At times, at least briefly, we might allow ourselves to show some of these parts, but also hide other parts. We especially hide those parts that are too vulnerable and sensitives to pain. Who we show and who we keep secret, becomes split off parts of our self. This hurts us even more, because the love we accept gives us a glimpse into our potential in seeing ourselves behind the mask, but love also reveals our weaknesses, fears, and distorted beliefs. These distorted beliefs, also known by mental health professionals as defenses, keep us stuck in disconnection, or codependency, or a combination of both.

In upcoming blogs, I will present the reasons why we have defenses, the types of defenses, and ways of changing these dysfunctional beliefs in order to open the doors to healthy connection. To put it another way, I will be discussing in future blogs how certain defenses keep us stuck in this downward decline into being disconnected and then I will reveal in another blog how defenses keep us stuck in the area of codependency. These upcoming blogs will highlight Romans 12:2, to “be transformed by the renewing of your mind”.

Back to the roadmap. As we continue on this path of growth, we are faced with some common dichotomies or contradictions which result in a polarizing way of relating. Let me explain this by highlighting some facts; As we grow up we learn though the educational system, though our parents with their use of the playpen, or just by interacting with society that there are rules to live by; boundaries in place. Do things one way and it is good, do another way or go against the grain and you get the F or the speeding ticket or you miss out on some fun. As a result, we develop a way of behaving, believing, and relating to others; It’s good or bad, all or nothing, right or wrong. As I have pointed out, we develop this polarizing perspective as we interact with others and we internalize it in how we view ourselves. Now there is nothing wrong with boundaries, laws, and developing a right and wrong perspective. The problem arises when it goes from right and wrong to write OR wrong – to a polarized fixated state of extremes. For some, it is easy to polarize into these extremes. This becomes very messy when it comes to the grey areas of life and especially when it comes to connection with others. When do we show compassion and say “yes” to those in need verses keeping the boundaries and saying “no” because giving too much can impact them in a negative way? When do I say “yes” when do I say “no”? When do I retreat, when do I push in? How do I show my true self while maintaining some protection from bad people? How do I accept the good things of a relationship while being on guard or even cautious with those people who keep a mask on and are not altogether safe? I hope you are starting to see the point; it is not always clear, because of these polarizing tendencies, to see other options in how to relate to others and how to care for ourselves. There is also an internal conflict that can arise where we look inside ourselves with this polarized lens. The apostle Paul put it this way. In Romans 7 starting at verse 18:

“For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. 21 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. 24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?”

In the rest of this chapter and also in chapter 8, Paul answers his own question – a connection with Jesus Christ. Jesus is the rescuer. I love this passage because it gives us a glimpse into the authentic Paul, his name before his conversion was Saul, and Saul loved to polarize. His polarized view made him a much feared man. In his polarized view, Christians where evil and Saul had the mission to go after these believers, have them jailed, killed and at a minimum treated harshly. Saul had some companions, those that shared his polarized view, but internal he was very conflicted inside. As Saul, he could not see another option past his polarized view. Jesus, himself, had to knock him for a loop, rescue him from his polarization, and then give him a new identity - Paul.

In an upcoming blog, we will take a closer look at polarization, the need to resolve this conflict (upper middle on roadmap), and come to a place of being led by the spirit of God and His wisdom. We will discover how to view the internal self through the lens of Christ and how we need balance and wisdom when it comes to how we interact and connect with others.
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You would think by this roadmap that we are done with this journey, but there is a very important issue to be discussed. I have listed it here as being Independent (upper right on roadmap). Now this might take some by surprise and you might be asking yourself, “What does independence have to do with connection?” We would like to keep connection and the need for independence in polarized corners, but that is not the case. Once you check yourself on this tendency to polarize you discover that viewpoints are not always all or nothing. Let me put it this way by asking a question: How are you going to connect with someone if you are not an individual, if you are not you, if you are not to some extent independent? The reality is that you have to know who you are in order to connect your true self with someone. The problem with some is that they never get to this stage of adulthood where they experience healthy connection (upper left on roadmap). They may look like an adult, but they view the world and respond to others in a childlike or immature way and even hurting others out of ignorance. They don’t know what to do and how to be a person. It might be pure naiveté or it might be deliberately pushing people away because deep down they know they are not really an adult. They feel more like a child in an adult body. This brings up the issue that some people are not safe or they need to be in a relationship, but this connection is different. It has different boundaries in order to keep the connection healthy. It also brings up the issue that you may be in a relationship with someone that is not independent to the point of being able to be in a healthy relationship. Perhaps you are one of these people who experiences difficulty in feeling right. In other words, you always feel invisible to others and when you are seen, you feel uncomfortable. Part of you loves the attention, like any child would, so you pull people closer only to feel uncomfortable again and push people away. This lack of adulthood and independence keeps you in this constant state of a push/pull form of connection often resulting in isolation and disconnection. In an upcoming blog, I will go into greater detail on this need for healthy connection combined with healthy independence. I will also be emphasizing what to look for in order to find safe people and ways you can become a safe person and connect your authentic self, your adult self, to others.
Based on our roadmap, let me give you a list of upcoming blog topics.
  1. Attachment
  2. Boundaries
  3. Disconnected
  4. Stages of Isolation
  5. Codependent
  6. Codependent Defenses
  7. Disconnected Defenses
  8. Polarization
  9. Independent/Connected
  10. Safe People
  11. Fruit of Connection
 
The reason I love using this roadmap, with those coming into my office, is that it always stimulates conversation, insights, and questions. If you have questions after reading this blog, then come in and see me. The first booking is free. Click the “Book Now” button to get started. 

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    Dr. John Quinlan PsyD
    License # PSY 23794

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