Before you start this topic on Attachment, I would encourage you to read the prior blog post from June 2016 (below or link to right) entitled, Roadmap.
In order to graduate as a Psychologist, I had to write a dissertation. My dissertation focused on this topic: attachment. I could spend hours on this subject and perhaps, in future blogs, I will return to this subject in greater detail. For some, this is a complex topic, but for others this will be like a review from your college class. Don’t be alarmed, this blog will not turn into a long and boring college level lecture.
Oh, that reminds me: A couple came to church one day and after the sermon the wife approached the Pastor, "I hope you didn’t take it personally, Pastor, when my husband walked out during your sermon." The Pastor replied, "Well, I did find it rather disconcerting," The wife added, "It’s not a reflection on you, after all, my husband has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child.” My hope is that this blog does not put you to sleep. Yes, this topic can be complex, but read on because you may find some benefit from learning about yourself and others.
To start this blog on the topic of attachment it is important to understand that we grow as individuals in stages. We don’t just pop out onto the earth fully independent and functioning all on our own. For example, as infants we needed to be fed, cleaned, kept warm, but not overheated, we needed to be comforted, especially when we were sick, and we needed to be soothed when afraid. At first our caregiver provides these basic needs, but soon we learn how to take care of ourselves. The thing is, even as adults, we still have a built in need for connection where we crave being cared for, understood, and experience a sense of safety and security that comes with being connected to others. When we attach to others we experience fulfillment of these basic needs and many of these needs are emotionally based. For instance, we want to be happy with others, experience pleasure with them, and have them close, so they can understand our tears, pain, and fears.
We also have spiritual needs that we can only get fulfilled through a connection with God. Our connection to others helps us in this process of a connection with God. In fact, it took another person to open up and share with you the Good News about Jesus and we continue growing as Christian as we fellowship with others.
When we expose our emotions and our spiritual needs to someone else, we discover that we place ourselves in a vulnerable position. Consequently, attachment to others is often a very risky venture. Let me put it another way, attachment to others necessitates taking a risk; allowing someone else to matter enough to us even though it is likely to be painful. To relate our needs to others is to connect and expose ourselves to them. For most of us, it is not easy to let a carefully chosen person inside the private, hurting, and fragile parts of who we are.
Now, I am not proposing that everyone should be connecting to just anyone in such a way as to become someone’s doormat or opening up to a potentially abusive relationship. In fact, let me make this perfectly clear, I am not proposing attachment without boundaries because that generates codependency. Connection without boundaries also opens the door to being used and abused. We will get to the topic of boundaries and codependency in upcoming blogs, but for now, what I am proposing is that you open up to others to the point of being seen and treasured, while depending on others in a way that encourages emotional wellbeing, growth as a person, and discovering the value of being with someone. Ecc. 4:9-12 reads, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken” Jesus knew the importance of attachment. In John 15:4 he said, “Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me.”
From the field of psychology, there is research to suggest that the close emotional bond between parents and children impacts the attachment that develops between adults in emotionally intimate relationships. Researchers focusing on attachment have been fascinated by this bond between a caregiver and a child and have noticed some differences in this bonding interaction. Specifically, this developmental process of attachment is a primary foundation from which we all start in our growth. Because it is foundational, we all have a need to be in love, to experience love from someone else, in other words, to be connected.
Before I go on, I have to give a warning to parents. This focus on attachment can brings with it feelings of parental guilt and shame as well as resentment towards parents. Let me emphasize that this focus on the need for healthy attachment is not meant to put parents in a place of condemnation. The truth is that we live in a sin filled world and no matter how perfect you are in parenting you will always fall short of perfection. “All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23). The focus on attachment is about what you received in your early years of development and how this attachment, or lack thereof, impacts how you currently connect with others; especially with your significant other; your spouse or soon to be spouse.
What happens in this early parent-child bond? The beginning of life should offer a sense of welcome, transferred from parent to child, a feeling of “you belong to us; we’re glad you are here; a part of this family.” Ideally, parents devote the early years of their child’s life to helping the infant take in and internalize this sense of belonging and safety. In psychology, there is a term that describes this healthy attachment. This term is called emotional object constancy. “Object” in psychology terms stands for the caregiver. “Constancy” is just what it sounds like – something that is constant or consistent. What Psychologists mean when they use this term “emotional object constancy” is this – the caregiver becomes a constant part of the child, so that even when alone the child has an emotional base of comfort knowing that there is a connection with the caregiver. Putting it simply, it is the state of feeling connected even when alone. This emotional object constancy becomes a part of the child as the result of repeated reassurance and care given by the caregiver. As love is taken in, it forms an emotional memory that soothes and comforts in times of stress. When we don’t get the repeated reassurance of love from our primary caregiver, then we experience what is called attachment deficits.
Before we get into attachment deficits, I want to stress the importance of the "body of Christ". People that come to a healthy church, should experience a state of feeling connected; a repeated reassurance that others care. Over time, the person, connected to other Christians, develops an emotional memory that soothes and comforts and makes it easier to handle the stress that comes from living in this fallen world. That is why a group of caring Christians can provide for others simply by connecting with them and by doing so establish a bond that can be the starting point for their relational healing. This relational healing opens people up to a relationship with God as scared people come to trust that God is working though others to provide a safe place to be real and to share hurts without condemnation.
God has designed this attachment so that it provides comfort, safety and love within a relationship, but there is also a counterfeit version of this. God intends for us to bond in a growth-producing manner. In Genesis, when we read that God created the Earth, Adam and the animals, all is good in this paradise, except for one thing, it was not good for man to be alone. We were created with a need for another, for an attachment, for connection to others in a growth-producing way. Because we live in a fallen world we can also attach to things and even people in a death-producing dependence that will destroy us. 1 John 2:16 describes these counterfeits as “the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boastings of what he has and does”. Every week in my office, I see men and women that are experiencing death-producing situation as a result of a counterfeit attachment. Situations like having an affair, an addiction to porn, and even work where they are married to the job. By the time they get to my office, they know they are dying inside and their relationships are crumbling. Other than the ones I just mentioned, some other counterfeit attachments can be related to shopping, gambling, food, and even staying busy with Christian activities. Now, I’m not knocking being involved and helping out, but when you do, do, do and no one knows you; when you don’t allow anyone to understand your deepest emotions; when you don’t expose yourself, so that they can find out what a treasure you are, well then you are doing so to avoid connection. Like the Pharisees of Jesus time, we can do all the right things, have our priorities right, have purposeful lives, go to accountability groups, and even help people, but when we hide our emotions from others, then we are still alone, while in a crowd, even a crowd of other believers, and our loneliness leads to a heart that becomes empty and dead. If this is you, then ultimately you are avoiding growth, growth that you could be experiencing though the development of healthy attachments. God designed us for connection to others and to God himself. Attempting to avoid and accept a counterfeit to what you were created for will only lead to greater loneliness and pain. In future blogs, I will go over in more detail this area of isolation and the beliefs and thoughts that keep some of us trapped in this place of disconnection.
As I stated earlier, when we don’t get the repeated reassurance of love from our primary caregiver, then we experience what is called attachment deficits. What are these attachment deficits and how can we experience healing of these unattached parts of ourselves? To start, you must realize that God wants all of us to grow and experience his love, so God wants the isolated part of us to come out of the darkness, filled with death-producing counterfeit attachments, and into the light of His love, filled with healthy, life-producing attachments to others. God wants us to grow, but in order to do that we must first have some awareness of the problems we faced in our past and how those same problems limit us in our ability to connect with others. To get a better understanding of attachment deficits, let’s look at examples of attachment styles.
Research has revealed that there are various attachment styles between a caregiver and the child. Again, the focus of this research was not on the deficits and problems brought by the caregiver. In other words, researchers didn’t have the focused of “let's pick on the parents and highlight all their faults.” In fact, the research focused on the impact on the child in relation to this bond with the caregiver.
The first style of attachment researchers labeled as the Secure Attachment. In this style, the child appeared to know that the caregiver is readily available and could be counted on as a secure base to venture out and explore the world. Those that grew up with this ideal style of attachment tend to view all relationships from this framework. For example, they know their spouse and others are there and they can count on certain relationships as being a safe haven, as a secure base to venture out into the world. I must stress that this secure attachment is rare. Most of us have not had a supportive, healthy relationship with our parents. I shared in the last blog how I come from a broken home where abuse happened, but I also had moments of experiencing this secure attachment style. As a child, I spent summer vacation away from home to live 3 months or so with my grandmother. As a result, my grandmother became my summertime caregiver and she demonstrated this secure attachment style. It was not experienced the majority of my upbringing, but at least having a taste of it helped me to understand this style. I’m positive that my relationship with my grandmother kept me from becoming a severely dysfunctional person.
The next attachment style researchers labeled as Anxious attachment. In this style a child is not sure if a caregiver or loved one will be available, so anxiety is produced along with being angry and protesting about others not being around to provide comfort and support for emotional needs. As adults in relationship, these people react to their anxiety in unhealthy ways, such as fits of rage, but also with codependent interactions in a frenzied attempt to maintain connection.
Another attachment style researchers labeled as Avoidant. In this style a child experiences rejection, neglect or abandonment, so they learn fast to live without others. As adults, these people learn to not need others and be extremely independent to the point of isolation. They never really have a childhood. They had to grow up quickly in order to make their own meals and be responsible for themselves. There was no one around to meet basic needs. There was also no one around to connect to on an emotional level, so the belief is that emotions are unnecessary; the belief generated is that emotions only get in the way of the need to be logical. After all, the need to concentrate or be logical is essential in order to figuring things out and be responsible for oneself. Fears and pain are ignored and connection to others becomes difficult.
Another attachment style is labeled as Fearful or Disorganized. Due to abuse, there is a desire for closeness, but also a fear of connection leading to a push-pull form of relating to others. These people believe that they are defective and unlovable, but they have feelings where they desire and long to be loved. They have a hard time trusting others and they may shy away from others, but other times they give mixed messages that they want to start a relationship. They often play games just to test others, but even after a successful test they are afraid of getting more abuse.
You may find yourself relating to these attachment styles and it is important to know yourself in order to know what is limiting your ability to connect with healthy people. I also wanted to point out something else from these attachment styles. If we look at difficulties in connecting to others from the view of these attachment styles, then we can understand why people argue or fight, why they are afraid to connect, and why some want to connect, but have difficulty being consistent. As Christians, an understanding of these attachment styles can help us to be sensitive and compassionate towards others and nurture them towards a healthy connection. In other words, we help them to understand what it means to have had a difficult upbringing and develop trust in a connection to a healthy person.
Going back to this term “emotional object constancy” and contrasting it with these attachment styles, it is obvious that a healthy process of attachment can be easily interrupted resulting in attachment deficits. Despite these interruptions, for most of us the growth process must continue until our hearts and souls discover the benefit of a relationship where we know we are safe as well as loved and cherished by God and others. Repairing an attachment deficit involves 2 factors. First, it requires finding safe, warm relationships in which emotional needs will be accepted and loved, not criticized and judged. Second, repair requires taking the risk of exposing your emotions and needs. Attachment to God and others is what the soul needs most, and yet it was in a relationship where injury and pain was initially experienced. A disconnected person can be devastated by further emotional abandonment, so the risk of taking a healing step toward healthy attachment involves a step of faith. I mentioned that the first step in finding healing from attachment deficits is to find a safe person in which emotional needs will be accepted and loved. I also mentioned that exposing yourself to another is a risky venture that takes faith. What I am getting at is the importance of having a relationship with Jesus as that safe person. In order to experience healing, Jesus is offering to start the process by being with you on this journey of experiencing a healthy connection. Psalm 46:1 puts it this way, “God is our refuge and strength, a great help in times of distress.” If you have not already accepted the offer Jesus has for you, then please talk to a Pastor about receiving Jesus as your safe person; to help guide you in connecting to the heavenly Father and to other safe people. In Matthew 18: 3-4 Jesus calls us to be like little children, to humbly acknowledge our needs and openly ask for them to be met, rather than pretend to be self-sufficient. If you have made that connection with Jesus by accepting what He has done for you on the cross, then let your loving God know about your needs and about any tendency to avoid connection though counterfeit ways. To find out more about starting a faith journey, I encourage you to click the “Faith” link at the top of this page.
Some of us hope that our spouse would be a safe person. I’m sure you got married or started an intimate relationship with the intent of experiencing love, having a safe haven with each other, and maintaining an emotional connection. Gal. 5:14 talks about the importance of maintaining love within a relationship. It reads, “For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” This passage goes on to give a warning that, “15 If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.” A wife turned to her Husband and said, “You've brought religion into my life. The husband responded, “Really? How?” She replied, “Until I met you, I didn't believe in Hell.” Unfortunately, this is where many couples find themselves; living in a destructive marriage, fighting, and feeling stuck – living a hell on earth. In some marriages, they experience distress from rigid routines that keep them from experiencing love, experiencing their marriage as a safe haven, and limit the emotional connection they cherished while they were getting to know each other in those moments of dating.
Briefly, let me describe some key aspect of being a safe person. A safe person is: someone that seeks closeness or tenderness in having relationships, these people provide safety and they encourage trust, they are emotionally compassionate and available, they are responsive and empathetic, they are caring and comforting, they always consider the best interest of a relationship, they provide a secure base with the focus of helping others build confidence to face problems, and finally they encourage growth of a community as connection is experienced with others. Sounds like your Pastor, but it could also be you. Don’t forget, it could also be you with your spouse, family, close friend, or even a stranger interested in starting a relationship with Christ.
I will close with the lyrics from a song by Francesca Battistelli:
"If We're Honest"
Truth is harder than a lie
The dark seems safer than the light
And everyone has a heart that loves to hide
I'm a mess and so are you
We've built walls nobody can get through
Yeah, it may be hard, but the best thing we could ever do, ever do
Bring your brokenness, and I'll bring mine
'Cause love can heal what hurt divides
And mercy's waiting on the other side
If we're honest
If we're honest
Don't pretend to be something that you're not
Living life afraid of getting caught
There is freedom found when we lay
our secrets down at the cross, at the cross
Bring your brokenness, and I'll bring mine
'Cause love can heal what hurt divides
And mercy's waiting on the other side
If we're honest
If we're honest
It would change our lives
It would set us free
It's what we need to be
If we're honest
Let’s pray. Our Father, be at work in us to heal the hurts; the abandonment, abuse, detachment, and superficial family upbringing, that have led to isolation and death-producing counterfeit paths. Forgive us for giving into a way of life that is not your life-producing plan. God be our refuge and strength. Our great help in times of distress. Guide us to others where we can experience a safe person to be in a relationship with. May we grow to trust in your love. Help us to step out in faith, to take the risk to be open and honest with others and become that safe person for others to enjoy. Amen
In order to graduate as a Psychologist, I had to write a dissertation. My dissertation focused on this topic: attachment. I could spend hours on this subject and perhaps, in future blogs, I will return to this subject in greater detail. For some, this is a complex topic, but for others this will be like a review from your college class. Don’t be alarmed, this blog will not turn into a long and boring college level lecture.
Oh, that reminds me: A couple came to church one day and after the sermon the wife approached the Pastor, "I hope you didn’t take it personally, Pastor, when my husband walked out during your sermon." The Pastor replied, "Well, I did find it rather disconcerting," The wife added, "It’s not a reflection on you, after all, my husband has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child.” My hope is that this blog does not put you to sleep. Yes, this topic can be complex, but read on because you may find some benefit from learning about yourself and others.
To start this blog on the topic of attachment it is important to understand that we grow as individuals in stages. We don’t just pop out onto the earth fully independent and functioning all on our own. For example, as infants we needed to be fed, cleaned, kept warm, but not overheated, we needed to be comforted, especially when we were sick, and we needed to be soothed when afraid. At first our caregiver provides these basic needs, but soon we learn how to take care of ourselves. The thing is, even as adults, we still have a built in need for connection where we crave being cared for, understood, and experience a sense of safety and security that comes with being connected to others. When we attach to others we experience fulfillment of these basic needs and many of these needs are emotionally based. For instance, we want to be happy with others, experience pleasure with them, and have them close, so they can understand our tears, pain, and fears.
We also have spiritual needs that we can only get fulfilled through a connection with God. Our connection to others helps us in this process of a connection with God. In fact, it took another person to open up and share with you the Good News about Jesus and we continue growing as Christian as we fellowship with others.
When we expose our emotions and our spiritual needs to someone else, we discover that we place ourselves in a vulnerable position. Consequently, attachment to others is often a very risky venture. Let me put it another way, attachment to others necessitates taking a risk; allowing someone else to matter enough to us even though it is likely to be painful. To relate our needs to others is to connect and expose ourselves to them. For most of us, it is not easy to let a carefully chosen person inside the private, hurting, and fragile parts of who we are.
Now, I am not proposing that everyone should be connecting to just anyone in such a way as to become someone’s doormat or opening up to a potentially abusive relationship. In fact, let me make this perfectly clear, I am not proposing attachment without boundaries because that generates codependency. Connection without boundaries also opens the door to being used and abused. We will get to the topic of boundaries and codependency in upcoming blogs, but for now, what I am proposing is that you open up to others to the point of being seen and treasured, while depending on others in a way that encourages emotional wellbeing, growth as a person, and discovering the value of being with someone. Ecc. 4:9-12 reads, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken” Jesus knew the importance of attachment. In John 15:4 he said, “Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me.”
From the field of psychology, there is research to suggest that the close emotional bond between parents and children impacts the attachment that develops between adults in emotionally intimate relationships. Researchers focusing on attachment have been fascinated by this bond between a caregiver and a child and have noticed some differences in this bonding interaction. Specifically, this developmental process of attachment is a primary foundation from which we all start in our growth. Because it is foundational, we all have a need to be in love, to experience love from someone else, in other words, to be connected.
Before I go on, I have to give a warning to parents. This focus on attachment can brings with it feelings of parental guilt and shame as well as resentment towards parents. Let me emphasize that this focus on the need for healthy attachment is not meant to put parents in a place of condemnation. The truth is that we live in a sin filled world and no matter how perfect you are in parenting you will always fall short of perfection. “All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23). The focus on attachment is about what you received in your early years of development and how this attachment, or lack thereof, impacts how you currently connect with others; especially with your significant other; your spouse or soon to be spouse.
What happens in this early parent-child bond? The beginning of life should offer a sense of welcome, transferred from parent to child, a feeling of “you belong to us; we’re glad you are here; a part of this family.” Ideally, parents devote the early years of their child’s life to helping the infant take in and internalize this sense of belonging and safety. In psychology, there is a term that describes this healthy attachment. This term is called emotional object constancy. “Object” in psychology terms stands for the caregiver. “Constancy” is just what it sounds like – something that is constant or consistent. What Psychologists mean when they use this term “emotional object constancy” is this – the caregiver becomes a constant part of the child, so that even when alone the child has an emotional base of comfort knowing that there is a connection with the caregiver. Putting it simply, it is the state of feeling connected even when alone. This emotional object constancy becomes a part of the child as the result of repeated reassurance and care given by the caregiver. As love is taken in, it forms an emotional memory that soothes and comforts in times of stress. When we don’t get the repeated reassurance of love from our primary caregiver, then we experience what is called attachment deficits.
Before we get into attachment deficits, I want to stress the importance of the "body of Christ". People that come to a healthy church, should experience a state of feeling connected; a repeated reassurance that others care. Over time, the person, connected to other Christians, develops an emotional memory that soothes and comforts and makes it easier to handle the stress that comes from living in this fallen world. That is why a group of caring Christians can provide for others simply by connecting with them and by doing so establish a bond that can be the starting point for their relational healing. This relational healing opens people up to a relationship with God as scared people come to trust that God is working though others to provide a safe place to be real and to share hurts without condemnation.
God has designed this attachment so that it provides comfort, safety and love within a relationship, but there is also a counterfeit version of this. God intends for us to bond in a growth-producing manner. In Genesis, when we read that God created the Earth, Adam and the animals, all is good in this paradise, except for one thing, it was not good for man to be alone. We were created with a need for another, for an attachment, for connection to others in a growth-producing way. Because we live in a fallen world we can also attach to things and even people in a death-producing dependence that will destroy us. 1 John 2:16 describes these counterfeits as “the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boastings of what he has and does”. Every week in my office, I see men and women that are experiencing death-producing situation as a result of a counterfeit attachment. Situations like having an affair, an addiction to porn, and even work where they are married to the job. By the time they get to my office, they know they are dying inside and their relationships are crumbling. Other than the ones I just mentioned, some other counterfeit attachments can be related to shopping, gambling, food, and even staying busy with Christian activities. Now, I’m not knocking being involved and helping out, but when you do, do, do and no one knows you; when you don’t allow anyone to understand your deepest emotions; when you don’t expose yourself, so that they can find out what a treasure you are, well then you are doing so to avoid connection. Like the Pharisees of Jesus time, we can do all the right things, have our priorities right, have purposeful lives, go to accountability groups, and even help people, but when we hide our emotions from others, then we are still alone, while in a crowd, even a crowd of other believers, and our loneliness leads to a heart that becomes empty and dead. If this is you, then ultimately you are avoiding growth, growth that you could be experiencing though the development of healthy attachments. God designed us for connection to others and to God himself. Attempting to avoid and accept a counterfeit to what you were created for will only lead to greater loneliness and pain. In future blogs, I will go over in more detail this area of isolation and the beliefs and thoughts that keep some of us trapped in this place of disconnection.
As I stated earlier, when we don’t get the repeated reassurance of love from our primary caregiver, then we experience what is called attachment deficits. What are these attachment deficits and how can we experience healing of these unattached parts of ourselves? To start, you must realize that God wants all of us to grow and experience his love, so God wants the isolated part of us to come out of the darkness, filled with death-producing counterfeit attachments, and into the light of His love, filled with healthy, life-producing attachments to others. God wants us to grow, but in order to do that we must first have some awareness of the problems we faced in our past and how those same problems limit us in our ability to connect with others. To get a better understanding of attachment deficits, let’s look at examples of attachment styles.
Research has revealed that there are various attachment styles between a caregiver and the child. Again, the focus of this research was not on the deficits and problems brought by the caregiver. In other words, researchers didn’t have the focused of “let's pick on the parents and highlight all their faults.” In fact, the research focused on the impact on the child in relation to this bond with the caregiver.
The first style of attachment researchers labeled as the Secure Attachment. In this style, the child appeared to know that the caregiver is readily available and could be counted on as a secure base to venture out and explore the world. Those that grew up with this ideal style of attachment tend to view all relationships from this framework. For example, they know their spouse and others are there and they can count on certain relationships as being a safe haven, as a secure base to venture out into the world. I must stress that this secure attachment is rare. Most of us have not had a supportive, healthy relationship with our parents. I shared in the last blog how I come from a broken home where abuse happened, but I also had moments of experiencing this secure attachment style. As a child, I spent summer vacation away from home to live 3 months or so with my grandmother. As a result, my grandmother became my summertime caregiver and she demonstrated this secure attachment style. It was not experienced the majority of my upbringing, but at least having a taste of it helped me to understand this style. I’m positive that my relationship with my grandmother kept me from becoming a severely dysfunctional person.
The next attachment style researchers labeled as Anxious attachment. In this style a child is not sure if a caregiver or loved one will be available, so anxiety is produced along with being angry and protesting about others not being around to provide comfort and support for emotional needs. As adults in relationship, these people react to their anxiety in unhealthy ways, such as fits of rage, but also with codependent interactions in a frenzied attempt to maintain connection.
Another attachment style researchers labeled as Avoidant. In this style a child experiences rejection, neglect or abandonment, so they learn fast to live without others. As adults, these people learn to not need others and be extremely independent to the point of isolation. They never really have a childhood. They had to grow up quickly in order to make their own meals and be responsible for themselves. There was no one around to meet basic needs. There was also no one around to connect to on an emotional level, so the belief is that emotions are unnecessary; the belief generated is that emotions only get in the way of the need to be logical. After all, the need to concentrate or be logical is essential in order to figuring things out and be responsible for oneself. Fears and pain are ignored and connection to others becomes difficult.
Another attachment style is labeled as Fearful or Disorganized. Due to abuse, there is a desire for closeness, but also a fear of connection leading to a push-pull form of relating to others. These people believe that they are defective and unlovable, but they have feelings where they desire and long to be loved. They have a hard time trusting others and they may shy away from others, but other times they give mixed messages that they want to start a relationship. They often play games just to test others, but even after a successful test they are afraid of getting more abuse.
You may find yourself relating to these attachment styles and it is important to know yourself in order to know what is limiting your ability to connect with healthy people. I also wanted to point out something else from these attachment styles. If we look at difficulties in connecting to others from the view of these attachment styles, then we can understand why people argue or fight, why they are afraid to connect, and why some want to connect, but have difficulty being consistent. As Christians, an understanding of these attachment styles can help us to be sensitive and compassionate towards others and nurture them towards a healthy connection. In other words, we help them to understand what it means to have had a difficult upbringing and develop trust in a connection to a healthy person.
Going back to this term “emotional object constancy” and contrasting it with these attachment styles, it is obvious that a healthy process of attachment can be easily interrupted resulting in attachment deficits. Despite these interruptions, for most of us the growth process must continue until our hearts and souls discover the benefit of a relationship where we know we are safe as well as loved and cherished by God and others. Repairing an attachment deficit involves 2 factors. First, it requires finding safe, warm relationships in which emotional needs will be accepted and loved, not criticized and judged. Second, repair requires taking the risk of exposing your emotions and needs. Attachment to God and others is what the soul needs most, and yet it was in a relationship where injury and pain was initially experienced. A disconnected person can be devastated by further emotional abandonment, so the risk of taking a healing step toward healthy attachment involves a step of faith. I mentioned that the first step in finding healing from attachment deficits is to find a safe person in which emotional needs will be accepted and loved. I also mentioned that exposing yourself to another is a risky venture that takes faith. What I am getting at is the importance of having a relationship with Jesus as that safe person. In order to experience healing, Jesus is offering to start the process by being with you on this journey of experiencing a healthy connection. Psalm 46:1 puts it this way, “God is our refuge and strength, a great help in times of distress.” If you have not already accepted the offer Jesus has for you, then please talk to a Pastor about receiving Jesus as your safe person; to help guide you in connecting to the heavenly Father and to other safe people. In Matthew 18: 3-4 Jesus calls us to be like little children, to humbly acknowledge our needs and openly ask for them to be met, rather than pretend to be self-sufficient. If you have made that connection with Jesus by accepting what He has done for you on the cross, then let your loving God know about your needs and about any tendency to avoid connection though counterfeit ways. To find out more about starting a faith journey, I encourage you to click the “Faith” link at the top of this page.
Some of us hope that our spouse would be a safe person. I’m sure you got married or started an intimate relationship with the intent of experiencing love, having a safe haven with each other, and maintaining an emotional connection. Gal. 5:14 talks about the importance of maintaining love within a relationship. It reads, “For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” This passage goes on to give a warning that, “15 If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.” A wife turned to her Husband and said, “You've brought religion into my life. The husband responded, “Really? How?” She replied, “Until I met you, I didn't believe in Hell.” Unfortunately, this is where many couples find themselves; living in a destructive marriage, fighting, and feeling stuck – living a hell on earth. In some marriages, they experience distress from rigid routines that keep them from experiencing love, experiencing their marriage as a safe haven, and limit the emotional connection they cherished while they were getting to know each other in those moments of dating.
Briefly, let me describe some key aspect of being a safe person. A safe person is: someone that seeks closeness or tenderness in having relationships, these people provide safety and they encourage trust, they are emotionally compassionate and available, they are responsive and empathetic, they are caring and comforting, they always consider the best interest of a relationship, they provide a secure base with the focus of helping others build confidence to face problems, and finally they encourage growth of a community as connection is experienced with others. Sounds like your Pastor, but it could also be you. Don’t forget, it could also be you with your spouse, family, close friend, or even a stranger interested in starting a relationship with Christ.
I will close with the lyrics from a song by Francesca Battistelli:
"If We're Honest"
Truth is harder than a lie
The dark seems safer than the light
And everyone has a heart that loves to hide
I'm a mess and so are you
We've built walls nobody can get through
Yeah, it may be hard, but the best thing we could ever do, ever do
Bring your brokenness, and I'll bring mine
'Cause love can heal what hurt divides
And mercy's waiting on the other side
If we're honest
If we're honest
Don't pretend to be something that you're not
Living life afraid of getting caught
There is freedom found when we lay
our secrets down at the cross, at the cross
Bring your brokenness, and I'll bring mine
'Cause love can heal what hurt divides
And mercy's waiting on the other side
If we're honest
If we're honest
It would change our lives
It would set us free
It's what we need to be
If we're honest
Let’s pray. Our Father, be at work in us to heal the hurts; the abandonment, abuse, detachment, and superficial family upbringing, that have led to isolation and death-producing counterfeit paths. Forgive us for giving into a way of life that is not your life-producing plan. God be our refuge and strength. Our great help in times of distress. Guide us to others where we can experience a safe person to be in a relationship with. May we grow to trust in your love. Help us to step out in faith, to take the risk to be open and honest with others and become that safe person for others to enjoy. Amen
RSS Feed
